Looking to 2014

With a new year is a new slate ready to be written on. What will you write in 2014?  I have been thinking about what goals I want to set and meet in the new year. 

I want to continue to grow closer to God. By working on this relationship I will continue to work on myself. I will become a better Christian which lead to being a better wife, mother, daughter, friend, family member, coworker, employee, and person as a whole. I am not perfect and do not claim to be, but we all can continue to improve ourselves. 

I want to have a cleaner year. Less drama, less conflict, less fast food, less clutter, and less stress. Way too often we get caught up in the things that do not matter. These things can be at work, with family, or with friends. However it drags you down in all aspects of your life. I want to have less of this. 

I want to do more with Emma and my family. Not the expensive trips but the priceless things. Playing games, playing outside, diddling with her, and enjoying her while she is little. She has grown so fast already and I want to enjoy her childhood. 

I will budget more, save more, and most of all live more. I will be happier, laugh more, and take time to enjoy the small things more.  

“Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past.  See, I am doing a new thing!  Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?  I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.”  Isaiah 43:18-19

It won't be like this for long

Many of you know the song that line comes from, but oh how true it is.  Before you know it the days, months, and years have flown by. You plan for the birthdays, the holidays, and Christmas then befre you know it those special days have passed. The seasons change and the years fly by. I never realized how quick time goes until Emma. I want to get the most of everyday with her, and too often there isn't enough time in the day. Here lately I have tried to do more. More cuddling, more holding, more playing, more talking, more listening, and more activities. When she gets older will I feel like it was enough?  More importantly when she gets older will she feel it was enough?  

So I actually started this post a few days ago, okay maybe a week or more ago.  Then I got busy with work and being a mommy. Today I ran across this link on Facebook. When I watched it I realized that it is the perfect ending to my post. Please take a moment and watch it. I was in tears because the moms on there have some if the same fears and concerns as Ido. But wait until you hear from their children. 

http://www.upworthy.com/these-kids-finally-say-what-they-really-think-about-mom-and-her-reaction-priceless-9

Wow time is flying by.

Sorry I haven't posted lately but Emma is a wide open Toddler now and keeping us busy. Some of the latest happenings include:

Potty training!  Yes you read that right - potty training. Emma decided about a month ago that she wanted to start potty training. She sat on the big potty three times that first day. The next day we went and bought her a potty. She actually used the potty two times that day!  Ever since that day she uses pretty regularly.  Some say it is too early, it won't last, she isn't old enough, or that she does not really know when she needs to potty. Well she pats her diaper, we go to the potty, and she potties. Maybe she won't completely get it right now but if she is willing to try then so are we. 

Talking!  She is saying more words and can associate more words with the meaning. She knows her eyes, ears, nose, hair, chin, tongue, cheek, belly, elbow, knee, foot, hands, toes, fingers, and heart. She can point people out in pictures and call some people by their names. She knows some of her colors and some days everything is yellow while other days everything is purple. It is so fun to see her learning!

Songs! She does the itsy bitsy spider and loves to dance and clap to music. She started marching around the house and her teacher said they do the ants go marching to and from lunch. She picks up on so much!

Playing. She loves to climb, crawl, jump, swing, and play. We recently got a swing set for her and she loves to climb up the ladder. She loves to look at her books, point out things when you ask her, and will talk while looking at the book like she is reading it to you. 

It is all going by so fast and I know it will not be long before I miss these days. She is such a smart, happy, healthy, and wonderful child. We are so lucky to have been given this precious gift. 

With Christmas coming up I am so excited to see how she reacts. I know she will have a blast and that is the real happiness at Christmas. We have already given her some of her presents and can't wait to see what Santa brings her. Before much longer Betty Lou her elf will return and I am sure that will bring lots if fun as well. 

Some pictures of all of this fun!

Her new fish tank and fish

Her new swing set 

Emma watching Daddy and Uncle Ray Ray shoot

Swinging 

Start of the Relay year.

So we have had our Relay For Life kick-off for 2014 and the busy year has started.  You may be asking what this has to do with Emma. The short answer - everything!  I don't want Emma to ever hear the word cancer except for her history book. I want her to see ribbon as hair bows not an indication of the type of cancer. I want her to have her family and friends watch her grow up, get married, and have children.  Not for her to watch them have surgery, chemo treatments, radiation treatments, and pray every time a test comes up.  I want her to be healthy and happy and not have to struggle with the fear of "the C word".

While we are preparing for our Relay I miss some evenings with Em at the house, but I had so much rather her miss this time and never deal with cancer than me sitting at home with her and her having the experiences with cancer that I have.  No I have never been diagnosed with cancer but I have 2 grandmothers that had breast cancer, a cousin who lost her battle with brain cancer, and a best friend who lost her battle with colon cancer.  None of those were easy to get through and I want to protect Emma from those heartbreaks.  The beginning of October was hard because in one week I missed two evenings with Emma.  Typically I try to take Emma with me to one of the two meetings but these two were longer ones that I knew she would not be happy with.  So next month she will go with me and she will grow up a Relay girl.

As you may know I had a relay team in the past, but in the past couple of years I have not had one.  Well that changed this year as well.  I started a team called Memory Makers to honor all of the memory makers in my life, and to continue their fight if they are no longer here with us.  Feel free to join my team, make a donation, purchase a luminaria in memory or honor of someone.  http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLCY14SA?team_id=1509817&pg=team&fr_id=61091

See you at RELAY!!

"An uncle makes life a little sweeter." Anonymous

Growing up I had several uncles, but 2 mean the world to me.  My Uncle Mike lived in front of us, and I spent a lot of time there playing with my cousins Susan and Melanie.    I remember being on the farm with Mike, ridging the tractors, playing in the yard, and playing at his house.  My Uncle Tommy was the quiet reserved one.  He didn't always say a lot to me, but I was often at his house playing with my cousin Courtney.  Both of these men mean a lot to me, and still do to this day.  My Uncle Mike lost his daughter Melanie to brain cancer the year before Emma was born.  I know it was hard for him to meet Emma, but it was like Emma knew as well.  He would hold her, and Emma would just look at him and watch him.  I have always heard that kids know so much more than we think they do, and I truly believe that.  Emma knew that he needed that connection.

Emma has two Uncles, one which she has known since she was born and one she had not met.  Well let me tell you how this past week went for her.  We rode with Uncle Ray Ray to Virginia.  Emma loved riding in his truck, but wasn't sure why it sounded so loud.  She would watch him, and fret him, smile at him and then not look at him.  Anyone who knows Ray knows he is not an affectionate guy, but there are rare times that the sweet guy shows himself.  While I was holding Emma, Ray leaned over and kissed her on the forehead - keep in mind he had several witnesses.  So what does he do?  Once he realized that people were watching him he shocked Emma and everyone else.  He leaned down and licked Emma on the forehead - yes I said licked!  Emma was shocked and didn't know what to think of it.  Afterwards we went to eat, and as much as Emma loves hush-puppies, she would not eat one from Ray.  Ray handed it to Steve and Emma tried to give it back to Ray.  I am telling you this kid cracks us up.

Emma had never met her Uncle Tony, but that changed yesterday.  We met Tony at the park and played.  She went right to him, and had a blast on the playground.  She would throw her ball to him, and they even ended up getting the ball in the pond.  Now if you know Tony this will not surprise you.  He sent me to try to get the ball out of the pond.  Thankfully the ball was saved!  Tony and Emma played on the slides, was climbing, and even played in the swings.  We left from there and headed to get dinner.  Of course Emma was happy because she had mac and cheese and applesauce.  Needless to say applesauce ended up everywhere.  The hard part about this is that Tony will be moving to Florida this week.  However, they have a bond and it will only grow with time.  I will be switching phones so they will also be able to Facetime while he is out of town.

I am so thankful that Emma has two wonderful Uncles that will show her the fun things about life.  From riding the four-wheeler to Facetime any time spent with an uncle is priceless!

Things that will never be the same again...

When you are pregnant are thinking about having a child you often hear "___ will never be the same again".  the blank can be filled in with your body, your weight, your life, your house, and your heart.  Most people do not tell you that the following things will never be the same either.  However, I have found that the following things I will never see, hear, or view the same anymore either.

1. The news - We all know that the majority of the news is bad stuff.  Sadly enough I can't always escape the news because my job deals with crime.  Watching them interview a child who just saw their friend shot in school outrages me.  Why would you ask this poor child to tell them about it, when we all know it is playing over and over in her head.  Maybe talking about it is good for her - but to a professional not a reporter.  The cries of a parent who just lost their child in a crime, the cries of the child who just lost their parent, and the heartbreak felt throughout the community.  The story of the child shot in the stroller, the parents who are upset that after insemination is upset that they are expecting twins, the parent who left their child in the car, the child who was abducted, and the list goes on and on.  My way of dealing with this - not watching the news.  Of course at work I can't escape it, but I can make sure that I do at home.

2. Music - GOODNESS.  Songs have always spoken to me, but now it is even worse.  Some songs that stick out in my mind "My Wish", "In my Daughter's Eyes", and lots of others.  They make me think of the feelings before Emma, the feelings now, and the thoughts of her in the future.  I believe that music can say things that in regular conversation you do not catch.  I love music, and the words often catch my attention.
A little of the lyrics from those two songs:

My Wish - Rascal Flatts
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

In My Daughter's Eyes - Martina McBride
And the world is at peace,
This miracle god gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger,
How it puts a smile in my heart,
Everything becomes a little clearer,
I realize what life is all about,
It's hanging on when your heart is had enough,
It's giving more when you feel like giving up,
I've seen the light,
It's in my daughter's eyes

This song really spoke to me during our journey with infertility.  Laura Story "Blessings"
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

3. Movies - It seems like you feel more of the emotions, and think more of yourself in that situation.  The child watching the violence, the parents trying to protect their child, etc.  Not to mention not wanting Emma to watch the violence.  It seems that every adult movie is either stupid or full of bad language and violence.  I find more joy and laughter in most children's movies than I do adult movies.  However, the other night Emma and I laid on the couch and watched Safe Haven (okay she only watched part of it).  This is an awesome movie.  We have been to the movie set three times, I had read the book, and so happy that I finally watched the movie.

4. Clothing - This goes a couple of directions.  First of all girl clothing (even young girl clothing) is way too revealing.  I realize that Emma will only wear those items if I purchase them, and I do not see them in our future.  Second, I saw a onsie in Wal-Mart that said does this diaper make my butt look big? Really! on an infant?  Maybe it is funny to some, but so is name calling, bullying, and lots of other things.  Third, I do not go out shopping for me new clothes because it is so much more fun to find clothes for Emma.  I had rather her get the new shoes, clothes, etc rather than me buying myself another outfit.

5. Life in general.  Life is too short and I realize that now more than ever.  In the blink of an eye I have gone from infertility, pregnant, birth, to now a toddler.  Wow, life has NEVER moved so quickly before. Treasure each moment and every day - you do not get the chance to live that day over again.  We do not live in the movie Groundhog Day, so this is your only shot - what will you do with it?

After infertility and after having a child there are a lot of things that will never be the same again.  However, I would not change them for the world!  Every day is a new adventure, and the best one is the one happening today!

Lessons learned

A few of the lessons learned along our infertility and parenting journey. Some of these were very hard to learn, and some just seemed to make sense.

1. Trust God - He knows what He is doing. This was probably one of the hardest to learn. I kept wanting to question Him and had to learn to trust. Yes it took a while but I knew He had a plan for us. I just didn't know what that plan was until He was ready for me to know.
Proverbs 3:5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart do not lean on your own understanding.

2. Life goes on. Wait before you stop reading this and give me a minute to explain. Yes infertility is terrible, but the world is still going on. Your bills will still come in the mail, others will still get pregnant, you will have contant reminders of the pain you are feeling, and not everyone will understand what you feel.  I found that I was still excited for some who got pregnant, was able to carry on conversations that didn't revolve around infertility, and for the majorty of the day be happy. I still had my bad moments, but I couldn't allow that to control my life. Infertility is difficult, but do you want it to define who you are?  I chose not to. Eventhough it changed my life I decided not to let it be my life and what I was known as. Am I saying that your pain isn't real - by no means.  Am I saying that a child doesn't matter that much - absolutely not.  What I am saying is that even on the hardest of days with infertility life goes on.

3. Realize that not everyone with infertility handles it the same. Some want all of the tests possible, some want all the medications possible, some want all of the procedures possible, some do not want any part of that, some share what they are going through and some do not, some see other options as the plan for them and some want no part of it.  And even two people who make the same choices and take the same steps will not be the same. Respect the differeces, realize it is their life, and get over it if you do not agree. We chose not to do all of the testing, but I do not think that is a road for everyone. Which ever road is best for you - take it. For us it was trusting God and waiting for Him to show us the road to take.

4. Let them live. You fought so hard for this life so do not hold them back. Of course every child needs guidance, restrictions, limitations, and know right from wrong. However, I see a lot of parents who fight so hard to have a child and then keep them from being a child. They will get bug bites, skinned knees, scratches, and who knows what else. However they are also learning, experiencing life, and learning who they are. Do I mean to let them run free,m no but do let them experience being a child. I realize that this may be my only chance to be a parent, but I know this is Emma's only chance to be a child. I pray that she looks back at her childhood and smiles. She is shown happiness, joy, love, and life.

5. Take a deep breath. They will cry, they will scream, and believe me they will test limits. During those hard times take a deep breath!  They are not trying to be difficult, but look at everything that is new to them. They come into this world with no idea of anything, and we think we get the hard part because we don't get an instruction book?  Just think if they had an instruction book they couldn't even read it!  Take a breath, plan a day with friends, walk away, or whatever can calm your nerves.

6. Do not compare your child or your parenting to others. As long as you are keeping your child healthy and safe then you are doing your job. If you compare yourself or your child to others then you will always second guess yourself. I have seen other parents and wondered if I should push Emma to do more, but now I see that she is right where she should be. She is head strong, interested in everything, wants to explore, and I love every minute of it (okay almost every minute).  I know that even in those rough parenting moments I would not change a thing!

7. Enjoy it! It is the biggest, scariest, and fastest ride of your life, but it is the best ride ever.  Take time every day to enjoy your child. Paint, play, sing, dance, and enjoy the little moments in the day. You will look back and smile at even the most stressful moments.

These may help you along the way, if not just do right by God and your child and everything will be fine.

Saying Goodbye

So all of you know how much we love Emma's daycare and her Teacher Ms Stephanie.  Tomorrow is Ms Stephanie's last day at the center. This is an amazing teacher and person. I couldn't have imagined leaving Emma with a stranger, and Stephanie never felt like a stranger to us. She always treated Emma like she would her own child. She called if she had a concern, and if Emma was out sick (or running late) she would call to check on her.  Emma would do several handprint or footprint artwork a month, and Stephanie made special artwork for special occasions.

We were so blessed with Stephanie and wish her well.  We will miss her, but happy that she will be able to spend this time with her family.

We will miss you Stephanie!

Every day is a chance to create a memory

Looking back over the past year, I realize that while Emma may not remember what all she did I will forever treasure moments from her childhood.  I look at every day as a chance to make a memory.  The past couple of weeks we have had her Birthday pictures, family pictures, a cookout, had Emma's first birthday party, and just had a good time.

Also over the past couple of days we have dealt with Emma not feeling well.  She was sent home from daycare last Thursday, and had to stay out on Friday.    I had taken today off of work, and needless to say it became a Mommy and Emma day.  We played, cuddled, had a lunch date, and most of the day enjoyed spending time together.  I savor these moments because I know they will not last forever.

The other day I came home from a rough day at work and just hugged her extra tight.  That night as I laid down with her for bedtime she rolled over and put her face right up against mine.  I laid there crying telling her how much I love her.  She is often told how much she is loved, but it was as if she knew that I needed her close to me that day.

I believe that we all wake up with the choice of how we want our day to go.  No we cannot control all of the variables during the day, but we can choose how we respond.  When I walk in and she lights up my day with that smile and giggle all of my worries fade away.  She is my sunshine, my laughter after a bad day, my smile through the tears, and my heart.

I love watching Emma interact with others because I see how she changes them as well.  Of course our family and friends cherish her almost as much as we do, but watching their interactions is awesome.  At her birthday party she went around and gave everyone a thank you hug.  However, words cannot thank these people enough.  They have been there for me and Steve and now they are there for Emma.  Several people offered to help me get everything ready, and one awesome friend Amy came to help.  She had made decorations, helped with the planning, and helped me to keep my head on straight.  Wendy had to run a last minute errand to pick up pictures for me, Granny (my mom) made part of the food for us, and lots of family and friends came to make Emma's day special.

I can only begin to imagine what the future will hold for this special little girl with all of the love surrounding her.  As much as I see her impacting other people's lives, I know she is a blessing not only to me and Steve but to everyone.  The other night we went to eat at Wendy's and she sat at the window so she could wave at everyone who came through the drive-thru.  Maybe her smiling the face was the only smile that those people saw that day?

Thank you to everyone who has touched Emma's life because you have touched ours more than we can ever explain to you!

The tough decision to share this on Facebook

So several of you have asked why I have not shared this on facebook.  The answer - I don't know.  Maybe it is that I do not want to feel like I am asking for pity, maybe it is the fear of sharing something so personal, maybe I don't want to hurt other women who are dealing with infertility, maybe I just do not know.  I think it is a combination of all of the above.  I am not ashamed of my story, I am not afraid to share my story, but I am hesitant on sharing this on facebook.

However, I have decided that I will share it and see what happens.  Please do not look at this blog and think I am trying to hurt you if you are gong through infertility.  Instead I hope that you see this as hope for the future.  Our stories may be different but I have been where you are, and having the feelings that you have (or have had).  There are several of us who have been where you are, and we want to encourage you along your journey.  Stories are different, Dr visits are different, diagnosis are different; however, the hurt, pain, suffering, tears, and fears are the same.  Believe me I have been there, but I also knew that God had a plan for me.  Maybe it wasn't the plan that I had, but I had to trust Him and see what happened.  Steve and I did talk about, look into, and explore other options.  But in the end we received this wonderful gift from God.

So here it goes, I am shoring this on facebook and hope that you can gain something from my experience.  Feel free to ask me questions, or share your story on here as well.

So welcome to my world of Parenting After Infertility.  We live everyday Treasuring Our Blessing, and hope that you can find joy where ever you are in your journey.

Our Little Lady turns ONE!

It is so hard to believe that Emma is a year old.  In the past year she has changed our lives so much, and made our hearts grow.  It seems like only yesterday that we found out that I was pregnant, and it seems unreal for her to be a year old.  Where did my baby go?

We had a great party for her, and she had a blast!  Our friends and family joined us to celebrate this wonderful blessing that God gave us.  We had planned to party to be at my Grandparent's house, but with it raining every day and hot too we decided to move it to my Uncle's carport.  The theme was Our Little Lady turns One, and decorations were ladybugs.

Here are some pictures to show you the party in case you were not able to join us.

"Wish she would have a normal childhood"

So this is the latest statement that blew my mind. Someone said they wished Emma would have a normal childhood but they don't think she will. Really??

What is a normal childhood now? Fighting parents? being put in front of a tv so the parents don't have to interact with them? Giving your child sweets so they leave you alone? Giving your child everything they want?  What is a normal childhood?

The childhood we are trying to create for Emma is one full of love, laughter, fun, learning, and memories. We hug on her, kiss on her, and tell her that we love her too many times to count (per day).  Steve and I have not argued in front of her, and do not take her around drama. When she hears someone yell she stops to see what is going on.  We laugh more times than I could even guess. I asked Steve the other day what we did for entertainment before Emma. Funny thing is that I truly do not remember. While we play we are teaching her too. She knows what "no", "more", "bath" (we have to spell this word a lot of the time or she takes off to her bathroom to take a bath), "sit on your bottom" and lots of other words mean. Her doctor has already told us she will be smarter than both of us.

In today's society I guess it is safe to say that Emma will not have a normal childhood, but I am okay with that. She does not hear cuss words or arguing. Her parents are happily married. She has a routine so that she knows what to expect from day to day. She plays with her friends at school and her friends at church. She knows her space and seems to have social skills already.

Emma will grow up with more technology than we had in our childhood, but that doesn't mean she will only experience technology. Last night we went outside and caught lightening bugs and let it crawl on her arm. She plays in the grass, and loves checking on the flowers and garden.

Thankful for the small things

How often do you hear that it is the small things that count the most?  Pretty often right. Parenting after infertility makes that statement so true. How many parents say they are thankful for sleepless night? How many are thankful when their child is sick? Thankful for teething? Thankful for the expenses? Or what about thankful for the change in their life?  Chances are that if you ask a parent who dealt with infertility they would tell you just how thankful they are for these things as so much more!

We just went through a week of growth spurt and teething at the same time. While I wish I could take the pain, uncomfortable, and tiredness away from Emma, I would not change a thing!  She was clingy Monday so she stayed home with me. She didn't want me out of her sight, and I loved every minute of it. 

We had to buy more clothes due to the growth spurt, and I do not mind that at all.  In fact I had rather shop all day for her than to even think about going shopping for myself.

We have been so blessed with a good sleeping girl, but when she is sick and doesn't sleep well - we don't mind. We take turns checking on her, rocking her, holding her, and comforting her.  the other night she woke up and we both listened to her talking and signing herself back to sleep. I wouldn't trade the night time cuddling for anything in this world! 

Yes our routines have changed, yes we have changed, yes our life has changed, and yes our goals have changed. But would I change any of it - no.  I see what is important in life and can say that I enjoy life more now than I ever did before. Every day is something new and something gained.

Another thing I have experienced is how Emma has impacted other people. When we went to the beach last year I had an experience I will never forget. We had gone to the store and everyone went in a different direction. Emma was asleep in her carseat in the shopping cart. A woman walked by then came back saying I am sorry but I have to see your baby. I was caught off guard and said ok. She looked at Emma and started to have tears in her eyes. Emma woke up, looked at the woman, and smiled. The woman's tears grew and all she could say was "God knew I needed that, God bless you, and take care of that angel".  I don't know her story but I know she walked away with a different outlook.

We lost my cousin to brain cancer and to watch my uncle with Emma typically has me in tears and walking away. The first time he came to see her he would just look at her with tears in his eyes.  One day she was sleepy and he kept saying "don't go to sleep". It just breaks my heart because I know it hurts him and helps all at the same time.

I have friends that hold her and seeing how much they care for her and want the best for her. To watch Steve with her makes me fall in love with him over and over again.

So has our life changed? Yes, I never knew how great life could be. It all comes down to an answered prayer and being thankful that I have this precious life to watch grow. Even on the hardest days she melts my heart, my stress, and my worries. I am thankful for all of the things I have experienced in the past 11 months. The labor, the late nights, teething, clingy days, cuddly moments, crying times, and trying times. These are the moments and things I will forever treasure!

Looking back while also looking ahead

Well the day is here - Emma is officially a year old!  I still can't believe it, but at times I look at her and wonder where my baby went.  She is eating regular food, started drinking whole milk, using sippy cups, talking more, and expressing herself. She has changed my life so much. No I wasn't a partyer, doing illegal things, or living a bad life before. But I now realize what is important and don't stress the small things (as much at least). 

A year ago I was clueless as to how much my life was getting ready to change. I was thinking about the nursery, meeting Emma for the first time, and the thing every woman warns you about - labor.  I had a perfect pregnancy without any morning sickness or anything. I was still able to be active and Emma be healthy. Some women face horrible morning sickness, loss of weight and dehydration, bed rest, and even hospital stays. I was only sick one day and the dr said that was a rhino virus. Other than that everything went on as normal.

My original due date was July 7, but Emma had different plans. On Friday I went to the hosptial thinking that I was going to meet Emma. Instead I was told that I was dehydrated, given fluids, and sent home. Before I left they set my induction date for Monday.  The next two days were hard. I was having contractions which the dehydration made worse. 

On Sunday, Steve said we would go out to eat to distract me and pass some time. As I went to get out of the bed, my water broke.  We headed back to the hospital and had 3 nurses waiting on us in the room. They had not started my induction paperwork because they all expected to see me before Monday morning.  My water broke around 5 and by 8 I had the epidural, and was feeling great. I had an easy labor and at 4:20 am on July 9, 2012 I met my precious girl. 

It is still hard to believe that she belongs to us. She is such a blessing!  I can't wait to see what the next year will hold for us!

What a difference a year can make.

Before you think I have completely lost my mind - no Emma is not 1 yet 

(that will be a different post next month)  

Do you remember being a kid and wanting to do something and your parents would tell you "wait until next year".  Maybe the next year you would be old enough, tall enough to ride the ride, or maybe you just needed to wait for another reason.  It would seem like that year would take forever, and you may have even forgotten what you were waiting to do.  Of course the year before you get your driver's license took forever, the Junior year took forever, and for some being 20 took forever.  Isn't it strange how that time lapse changes as you get older. Now it seems that time flies by, and by the time you blink your eye a year has passed.

While time did not fly by all of those months waiting to get pregnant, the past year has flown by.  It seems like only yesterday that I found out I was expecting let alone almost a year ago since the most priceless gift was placed in my arms.

A few things that happened last year:

In May, Steve's dad passed away and while there was no relationship there for many years the death set a lot of things in motion.  It was so strange to walk into a home of a man that I had never met and see similarities between him and Steve.  They share some of the same interests, both collect baseball caps, and love to garden.  We spent a lot of time at the house and in the garden, and I saw it as a way of Steve healing and dealing with the past

During this time, we reconnected with Steve's sister Wendy.  In the past year they have been able to have the relationship that the two of them had missed out on for so many years.  She comes to visit, we go out to eat, and Emma is able to know her Aunt who she would have possibly never known if this had not happened.  She is great, and it still feels strange to have a sister-in-law at times, but look how much that has changed in only 1 year.

A year ago in May was the last time that one of my brother's actually talked to me.  We have always been close, but when it comes to the issue of homosexuality we disagree.  We have different opinions and instead of him realizing that we are different people he chose to remove himself from my life. I am fine with agreeing to disagree but he chose to say lots of mean things, name calling, and in all honesty be a person that I do not know.  He has never met Emma, called me to check on her, purchased a Christmas present for her, or shown any interest to get to know her.  That is someone who I never expected him to be.  It has hurt me, but I have to focus on the person who matters more - Emma.  As an ongoing issue - my own dad has never shown an interest in Emma either, but she is not the one missing out.  She is loved by those who care about her.

 It has been a year since we had our baby showers, and this time last year we had no idea how much our life was going to change.  Even though you know the baby is going to change your life forever you cannot describe it.  Even now I can't describe how she has changed my life.  I see things through a different set of eyes, hear with a different set of ears, and more than anything love with a new found heart.

As you can see, in the past year we have had good times, bad times, easy times, and difficult times but through all of those times Steve and I were made stronger.  My best friend has been by my side through the roller coaster ride, and I wouldn't want it any other way.  It will be fun to see what the next year will bring for us.

How infertility changes your marriage

One thing that I always tell people when they tell me that they are going to start trying for a baby is to make sure your marriage is in the right place.  A baby will not fix everything, in fact it can cause some problems to be worse.  Imagine having stress between you and your spouse then here come this innocent child.  Say the baby doesn't sleep well, has medical problems, and lets face it is just a baby that needs you.  That isn't going to help an already stressed marriage, and the stressed marriage isn't going to help the baby either.  It doesn't matter if you get pregnant right away or have infertility problems, you still need for your marriage to be in the right place.

For me, I felt that our marriage was exactly where it should have been, and that we were ready for a baby.  We are best friends, spend time together (and enjoy it), and love being with each other.  When infertility set in I became a different person until I figured out how to deal with it.  I realized that I needed to not make infertility the focus of my life.  Pastor Steve said in one sermon that people determine who they are by the labels that they wear, and I did not want to be the sour, angry, infertile woman.  I have often heard that you may only be able to control 10% of what happens to you, but you can control 90% of how you react.  I chose to not let infertility define me.  Am I ashamed of the journey I had with infertility? No, I want people to know my story and know that there is life after being told you are infertile.

I am so blessed to be married to my best friend, and was recently told that I am in the minority because a lot of people do not marry their best friend.  I have to say that your friends will be a great source of support during infertility and parenting, but your spouse is the most important source of strength, love, and support that you need.  As you read in the post about our journey I did protect Steve from negative tests, and certain things; however, he always knew if I was taking medication and what our plan was.  He knew when I went to the Dr, what the Dr. said, what would be next, and we both knew if we would or would not take that step.  We never argued about it, and it became a great communication learning experience.  I feel that we are closer because of infertility - it opened up communication that we probably would have never had if it had not been for infertility.  How many couple talk about foster parenting, adoption, fertility treatments, eggs, sperm, base temperature, and how your body works if they do not face infertility?

I would not wish infertility on anyone, but it can have its upside if you take a step back and look at it.  It can help your marriage grow.  It can help you and your spouse grow closer.  It can help you grow closer to God.  It can make you have conversations you would never have otherwise.  It can change how you see the simple things in life.  And most of all it can change your life forever.  You are the one that chooses if it changes for the better or if you stay stuck in the rut.  I am not saying it is all rainbows and butterflies, but it can have a positive impact on your life.  I have grown as a person, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as a friend, and more than anything else as a Christian.  I have grown so much closer to God through all of this, and maybe that is why I went through it.  God never wastes a trial in your life.  Maybe the trial changes you, maybe it gets you to reach out to help others.

So regardless of where you are at right now either dealing with infertility, parenting after infertility, or not even sure where you fit right now - make sure your marriage is in the right place.  A child will not fix financial problems, marital problems, infidelity problems, drug or alcohol problems, or abuse.  A child is a blessing and should be treated that way.  They do not ask to be brought into your life, and should not be placed below other things in your life.  I have read of couples going through years of infertility treatments, spending thousands of dollars on treatments, only to have a child and realize they hate each other and divorce.  Imagine how great that marriage could have been if it stayed in the right place.  You may wonder why I say "in the right place" and don't give details of that place.  "The right place" is different for every couple, every marriage, and every relationship.  I can't determine what that place is for you, but I hope that your marriage is there.

Why did I finally decide to start this blog?

Ever since becoming a Mommy I have caught myself watching other children and wondering why their behavior, development, etc was different from Emma’s.  Do not get me wrong Emma is right where she should be but I was worried that I wasn’t doing something correct as a parent when I looked at other children.  Emma is almost 11 months old, says several words, very interactive with people, crawling, pulling up, cruising from toy to toy, and is an all around great child.  However, the past few weeks there have been a couple of shocking moments that made me realize a very important lesson. 

The moments are:

-        Eating at a restaurant and when Emma is finished I go to clean the highchair and surrounding floor.  A waitress comes to me and tells me that in the 2 years that she has worked there she has never seen a parent do this.  I thought it was my responsibility, but guess that is out of the norm.

-        Emma will watch people and interact with them.  To the point that if they are not paying attention to her she will make a noise to get them to look at her, so she can talk to them.

-        A friend was sending a balloon home to Emma, yes my daughter plays with balloons.  When another friend asked if she plays with balloons, and when I responded yes her response was “she is going to die”. 

-        At daycare Emma knows what the books are and is excited to have books read to her.  For example last night we read a book while going to eat dinner.  This morning she read the book to herself on the way to daycare.

-        This morning she played with pantyhose while I was getting ready for work.

So what lesson have I learned from all of this?  I can be selfish and look at this as my only chance to be a Mommy and guard her with everything in my control, or see this as the only chance that she has at a childhood and let her experience it to the fullest.  I decided before I ever met her that I would try with all of my might to make her childhood the happiest that I could.  This does not mean that she is a spoiled brat, but instead that she is well loved, well cared for, and given opportunities to enjoy life.  I do not want her to be withdrawn or afraid of being herself.  What better way to do that than let her be her. 

I may do things that people do not agree with as a parent, but that is not my concern.  My concern is my child, her safety, and happiness.  Yes she has fallen off of the bed (we both cried), she has mosquito bites from being outside (who doesn’t this time of year), but she laughs and smiles every day.  Sometimes she gets loud in a restaurant and we may get looks, but guess what I am thankful to God every day that I was blessed with this child.  I read an article the other day where a mom said she never thought she would be thankful for a temper tantrum until she never thought she would have a child. 

So that is the reason for this blog, to share how parenting is seen differently after infertility.  I am thankful for the yells, for the moments that you can’t help but laugh at her, her facial expressions when she is mad at you, watching her play when she thinks no one is looking, and all of the little things that happen each day.

Our Journey

I will start this blog with a history of myself, my journey with infertility, and the inner struggle that I experienced, before I start discussing parenting after Infertility.

Looking back I am not even sure where my journey with infertility began, maybe that is because I was never given a diagnosis that would explain why I was infertile.  In July of 2007, my best friend Steve proposed to me and on October 18, 2008 we were married at Oak Island.  We jokingly said before we got married that I couldn't mention a baby for 6 months.  In April we decided that I would come off of birth control, but we wouldn't start trying until later that year.  I was excited, nervous, and anxious.  You remember being in high school and every time you turned around someone was getting pregnant, so you were afraid that if you ever had sex then you would get pregnant.  Well, I now wanted that to be true.

We started trying in June and during our annual family beach trip my period was late.  How wonderful would this be to find out that we were expecting our child while on vacation in the same house that we were married in?  We didn’t tell our family or friends that we were trying because after all it happens quickly right?  I debated buying a pregnancy test while on vacation but decided to wait until we got home.  We came home, and before I could go purchase a test my period had started.  The pain, hurt, disappointment, questions, and all of the “what ifs” started before I ever saw my negative test result. 

Well this was the first of several bad days, many of which I hid from my husband, my friends, my family, and often tried to hide from myself.  In the months to come I would be disappointed again and again.  Then all of the questions started: what I had done wrong, why I was being punished, how could people in terrible marriages have a baby but I couldn’t, how could people have an abortion and kill a baby that I so desperately wanted, how could someone on drugs have multiple children but I couldn't have one? My mind started going in circles.  Month after month the questions grew, the pain grew, and more than anything else my self-doubt grew.  Month after month I realized that my dream wasn’t coming true.

Of course my doctor didn’t want to jump to any conclusions or do any testing until we had been trying for at least a year.  When I first went to the doctor of course we discussed my cycle which had been regular (almost down to the hour), and possible avenues to take.  We took the normal steps of me monitoring my base temperature – wow was that a fun way to start the mornings.  After a few months of that we realized that while my cycles were regular I was not ovulating.  We decided to do a couple of months of Clomid to jump start ovulation.  I took a month, did the blood work, and no change in levels.  The second cycle – took the medicine, did the blood work, and again no change.  Sadly enough the third month was no different.  Again the Dr could not find a reason that I would not ovulate.

I started questioning what God had in the works for us.  During once Sunday’s service Pastor Steve was talking about adoption and foster parenting.  I thought to myself, God is that what you have planned for us?  And for the first time in I do not know how long I heard God loud and clear “No, just wait”.  Hmm, wait, what had I been doing for the past year and a few months?  Okay, a few minutes later in the service, “God is this what you have in the works for me?”, and again “No, just wait”.  Okay, I am not good at reading between the lines, and trying to understand this was beyond my thought process.  My friend looked at me at the end of the service and asked if I wanted to go sign up for foster parenting or adoption, and again God told me to wait.

For the next few weeks I kept trying to make sense of “No, just wait”.  Wait for what, wait until when, the test outcomes weren’t changing, and neither were my feelings.  I was certain that God had a plan for me, but for the life of me I couldn’t piece it together.  I had made an appointment with a fertility specialist at this point.  I went to the appointment alone because Steve had to work, but that was okay because I was hiding a lot of my fears from him as well.  When I got to the doctor we did blood work then went for the consultation – and guess what they had coded the appointment wrong so nothing was accomplished that day.  I made a follow up appointment, and when the day came for the appointment, for reasons beyond me, I called and cancelled the appointment.  This was such a struggle with me emotional, mentally, and spiritually.  God was telling me to wait, I was being human and being impatient, and yet each time God won and the appointment was cancelled.  Hard headed Chrissy didn’t give up the first time the appointment was cancelled, didn’t give up the second time, and reluctantly gave up the third time. 

Keep in mind that during this time I also had a great friend battling Cancer, and I was quickly realizing that I was losing her.  The day of my last cancelled appointment I left work, and drove straight to her house.  I needed that comfort, that love, that warmth, and those positive encouraging words that only she could give.  While talking to her that day she reassured me and told me that if she could do anything to help me she would.  Okay, so here is a woman who is literally fighting for her life and she is trying to make me feel better?  Really?  I left that day with a different view on the world, my world, my world without a baby. 

In the months to come I tried to forget about my plans, and focus on God’s plan.  Proverbs 3:5-6 became my daily saying to myself.  I needed to stop trying to understand and start trying to trust God to handle it for me.  I didn’t have the answers and may never get the answer, but God knew the plan for me.  I lost my friend to cancer, and tried to gain her sense of Faith as I moved into the future.  One night while driving home Steve and I were talking about babies, and what had been going on.  We had decided early on that we would only do minimal medical procedures, we would not risk everything financially to make this happen, and we would take it one day at a time.  This one particular conversation stood out in my mind because it was exactly what I needed to hear, maybe not what I wanted to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear.  While I had been keeping all of my emotions to myself, trying to stay strong on the outside there were days that I was crumbling on the inside.  Steve looked at me and told me that regardless of what happened we had a good life, yes a baby would add to that life, but even if that never happened we were lucky to have the life that we did.  I have a wonderful step-son and if we didn’t have a child maybe that would be okay.  See there was that doubt again “maybe it would be okay”. 

On our next venture we decided to attend the foster parenting classes.  Steve is not a group person, but he knew how important this was to me.  Well, let’s just say after the first class I was a quitter.  Again God was telling me to wait, and I was trying to rush His time.  Goodness I now realize how hardheaded I was!

I found myself thinking about a baby less, and trusting God to show me what He had planned.  In October we went to the beach for our anniversary, and had a wonderful time.  We had a great relaxing trip, and before we left we decided to take a picture of the two of us.  Little did I know how much that picture would mean in the long run.  So we came back from the trip, and I decided to make one final appointment with the specialist.  On October 30, something told me that things may be different, so without telling anyone I purchased a pregnancy test.  I came home and took the test.  Imagine my surprise when it was POSITIVE!!  I was so excited but afraid at the same time.  I still did not tell anyone (no not even Steve) and went the next day to buy another test.  I went ahead and purchased vitamins, a card for Steve, and the test.  I went back to work and couldn’t wait to take the test.  Again positive, wow this is what God had planned for me!  How lucky am I? What did I do to deserve this?  Wow, really positive… please do not let it change while I am not looking.  So that night I told Steve, but we decided to wait to tell people.  Well, I had to tell a couple of people, oh yeah and cancel that appointment again.

I amazed me how my questions of why from the beginning of this journey were gong through my mind again.  What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why?  I was so blessed during the pregnancy, and enjoyed every second of it.  I gave birth to a happy and healthy baby girl on July 9, 2012 and again those same questions plagued me.  What did I do to deserve this? Why me?  She is such a blessing to our family, our friends, and our home.  She is truly a Daddy’s girl, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.  Now I look at her and I am still amazed that she is mine, this isn’t a dream, and she gets to stay with us. 

You would think that after going through infertility that I would then want to shout to the world about my baby, but that isn’t it at all.  Do not get me wrong she is my world, and I thank God every day (several times a day) that He gave me the gift of being a mommy.  However, it hurts me to see others going through the same journey that I did, and not be able to trust God.  I feel guilty when an infertile asks me about her, I feel guilty that my journey ended with a baby and theirs may not, and more than anything else I feel guilty that they may never experience the most wonderful gift – a baby.  I have told someone that it is like survivor syndrome, you feel guilty that others around you are enduring what may very well be the worst point in their life.  So as I continue on my new journey of being a mommy, I am still plagued by my infertility journey.  However, we all have to rely on God and trust Him even if we don’t like his answer.