How infertility changes your marriage

One thing that I always tell people when they tell me that they are going to start trying for a baby is to make sure your marriage is in the right place.  A baby will not fix everything, in fact it can cause some problems to be worse.  Imagine having stress between you and your spouse then here come this innocent child.  Say the baby doesn't sleep well, has medical problems, and lets face it is just a baby that needs you.  That isn't going to help an already stressed marriage, and the stressed marriage isn't going to help the baby either.  It doesn't matter if you get pregnant right away or have infertility problems, you still need for your marriage to be in the right place.

For me, I felt that our marriage was exactly where it should have been, and that we were ready for a baby.  We are best friends, spend time together (and enjoy it), and love being with each other.  When infertility set in I became a different person until I figured out how to deal with it.  I realized that I needed to not make infertility the focus of my life.  Pastor Steve said in one sermon that people determine who they are by the labels that they wear, and I did not want to be the sour, angry, infertile woman.  I have often heard that you may only be able to control 10% of what happens to you, but you can control 90% of how you react.  I chose to not let infertility define me.  Am I ashamed of the journey I had with infertility? No, I want people to know my story and know that there is life after being told you are infertile.

I am so blessed to be married to my best friend, and was recently told that I am in the minority because a lot of people do not marry their best friend.  I have to say that your friends will be a great source of support during infertility and parenting, but your spouse is the most important source of strength, love, and support that you need.  As you read in the post about our journey I did protect Steve from negative tests, and certain things; however, he always knew if I was taking medication and what our plan was.  He knew when I went to the Dr, what the Dr. said, what would be next, and we both knew if we would or would not take that step.  We never argued about it, and it became a great communication learning experience.  I feel that we are closer because of infertility - it opened up communication that we probably would have never had if it had not been for infertility.  How many couple talk about foster parenting, adoption, fertility treatments, eggs, sperm, base temperature, and how your body works if they do not face infertility?

I would not wish infertility on anyone, but it can have its upside if you take a step back and look at it.  It can help your marriage grow.  It can help you and your spouse grow closer.  It can help you grow closer to God.  It can make you have conversations you would never have otherwise.  It can change how you see the simple things in life.  And most of all it can change your life forever.  You are the one that chooses if it changes for the better or if you stay stuck in the rut.  I am not saying it is all rainbows and butterflies, but it can have a positive impact on your life.  I have grown as a person, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as a friend, and more than anything else as a Christian.  I have grown so much closer to God through all of this, and maybe that is why I went through it.  God never wastes a trial in your life.  Maybe the trial changes you, maybe it gets you to reach out to help others.

So regardless of where you are at right now either dealing with infertility, parenting after infertility, or not even sure where you fit right now - make sure your marriage is in the right place.  A child will not fix financial problems, marital problems, infidelity problems, drug or alcohol problems, or abuse.  A child is a blessing and should be treated that way.  They do not ask to be brought into your life, and should not be placed below other things in your life.  I have read of couples going through years of infertility treatments, spending thousands of dollars on treatments, only to have a child and realize they hate each other and divorce.  Imagine how great that marriage could have been if it stayed in the right place.  You may wonder why I say "in the right place" and don't give details of that place.  "The right place" is different for every couple, every marriage, and every relationship.  I can't determine what that place is for you, but I hope that your marriage is there.