"Wish she would have a normal childhood"

So this is the latest statement that blew my mind. Someone said they wished Emma would have a normal childhood but they don't think she will. Really??

What is a normal childhood now? Fighting parents? being put in front of a tv so the parents don't have to interact with them? Giving your child sweets so they leave you alone? Giving your child everything they want?  What is a normal childhood?

The childhood we are trying to create for Emma is one full of love, laughter, fun, learning, and memories. We hug on her, kiss on her, and tell her that we love her too many times to count (per day).  Steve and I have not argued in front of her, and do not take her around drama. When she hears someone yell she stops to see what is going on.  We laugh more times than I could even guess. I asked Steve the other day what we did for entertainment before Emma. Funny thing is that I truly do not remember. While we play we are teaching her too. She knows what "no", "more", "bath" (we have to spell this word a lot of the time or she takes off to her bathroom to take a bath), "sit on your bottom" and lots of other words mean. Her doctor has already told us she will be smarter than both of us.

In today's society I guess it is safe to say that Emma will not have a normal childhood, but I am okay with that. She does not hear cuss words or arguing. Her parents are happily married. She has a routine so that she knows what to expect from day to day. She plays with her friends at school and her friends at church. She knows her space and seems to have social skills already.

Emma will grow up with more technology than we had in our childhood, but that doesn't mean she will only experience technology. Last night we went outside and caught lightening bugs and let it crawl on her arm. She plays in the grass, and loves checking on the flowers and garden.

Thankful for the small things

How often do you hear that it is the small things that count the most?  Pretty often right. Parenting after infertility makes that statement so true. How many parents say they are thankful for sleepless night? How many are thankful when their child is sick? Thankful for teething? Thankful for the expenses? Or what about thankful for the change in their life?  Chances are that if you ask a parent who dealt with infertility they would tell you just how thankful they are for these things as so much more!

We just went through a week of growth spurt and teething at the same time. While I wish I could take the pain, uncomfortable, and tiredness away from Emma, I would not change a thing!  She was clingy Monday so she stayed home with me. She didn't want me out of her sight, and I loved every minute of it. 

We had to buy more clothes due to the growth spurt, and I do not mind that at all.  In fact I had rather shop all day for her than to even think about going shopping for myself.

We have been so blessed with a good sleeping girl, but when she is sick and doesn't sleep well - we don't mind. We take turns checking on her, rocking her, holding her, and comforting her.  the other night she woke up and we both listened to her talking and signing herself back to sleep. I wouldn't trade the night time cuddling for anything in this world! 

Yes our routines have changed, yes we have changed, yes our life has changed, and yes our goals have changed. But would I change any of it - no.  I see what is important in life and can say that I enjoy life more now than I ever did before. Every day is something new and something gained.

Another thing I have experienced is how Emma has impacted other people. When we went to the beach last year I had an experience I will never forget. We had gone to the store and everyone went in a different direction. Emma was asleep in her carseat in the shopping cart. A woman walked by then came back saying I am sorry but I have to see your baby. I was caught off guard and said ok. She looked at Emma and started to have tears in her eyes. Emma woke up, looked at the woman, and smiled. The woman's tears grew and all she could say was "God knew I needed that, God bless you, and take care of that angel".  I don't know her story but I know she walked away with a different outlook.

We lost my cousin to brain cancer and to watch my uncle with Emma typically has me in tears and walking away. The first time he came to see her he would just look at her with tears in his eyes.  One day she was sleepy and he kept saying "don't go to sleep". It just breaks my heart because I know it hurts him and helps all at the same time.

I have friends that hold her and seeing how much they care for her and want the best for her. To watch Steve with her makes me fall in love with him over and over again.

So has our life changed? Yes, I never knew how great life could be. It all comes down to an answered prayer and being thankful that I have this precious life to watch grow. Even on the hardest days she melts my heart, my stress, and my worries. I am thankful for all of the things I have experienced in the past 11 months. The labor, the late nights, teething, clingy days, cuddly moments, crying times, and trying times. These are the moments and things I will forever treasure!

Looking back while also looking ahead

Well the day is here - Emma is officially a year old!  I still can't believe it, but at times I look at her and wonder where my baby went.  She is eating regular food, started drinking whole milk, using sippy cups, talking more, and expressing herself. She has changed my life so much. No I wasn't a partyer, doing illegal things, or living a bad life before. But I now realize what is important and don't stress the small things (as much at least). 

A year ago I was clueless as to how much my life was getting ready to change. I was thinking about the nursery, meeting Emma for the first time, and the thing every woman warns you about - labor.  I had a perfect pregnancy without any morning sickness or anything. I was still able to be active and Emma be healthy. Some women face horrible morning sickness, loss of weight and dehydration, bed rest, and even hospital stays. I was only sick one day and the dr said that was a rhino virus. Other than that everything went on as normal.

My original due date was July 7, but Emma had different plans. On Friday I went to the hosptial thinking that I was going to meet Emma. Instead I was told that I was dehydrated, given fluids, and sent home. Before I left they set my induction date for Monday.  The next two days were hard. I was having contractions which the dehydration made worse. 

On Sunday, Steve said we would go out to eat to distract me and pass some time. As I went to get out of the bed, my water broke.  We headed back to the hospital and had 3 nurses waiting on us in the room. They had not started my induction paperwork because they all expected to see me before Monday morning.  My water broke around 5 and by 8 I had the epidural, and was feeling great. I had an easy labor and at 4:20 am on July 9, 2012 I met my precious girl. 

It is still hard to believe that she belongs to us. She is such a blessing!  I can't wait to see what the next year will hold for us!

What a difference a year can make.

Before you think I have completely lost my mind - no Emma is not 1 yet 

(that will be a different post next month)  

Do you remember being a kid and wanting to do something and your parents would tell you "wait until next year".  Maybe the next year you would be old enough, tall enough to ride the ride, or maybe you just needed to wait for another reason.  It would seem like that year would take forever, and you may have even forgotten what you were waiting to do.  Of course the year before you get your driver's license took forever, the Junior year took forever, and for some being 20 took forever.  Isn't it strange how that time lapse changes as you get older. Now it seems that time flies by, and by the time you blink your eye a year has passed.

While time did not fly by all of those months waiting to get pregnant, the past year has flown by.  It seems like only yesterday that I found out I was expecting let alone almost a year ago since the most priceless gift was placed in my arms.

A few things that happened last year:

In May, Steve's dad passed away and while there was no relationship there for many years the death set a lot of things in motion.  It was so strange to walk into a home of a man that I had never met and see similarities between him and Steve.  They share some of the same interests, both collect baseball caps, and love to garden.  We spent a lot of time at the house and in the garden, and I saw it as a way of Steve healing and dealing with the past

During this time, we reconnected with Steve's sister Wendy.  In the past year they have been able to have the relationship that the two of them had missed out on for so many years.  She comes to visit, we go out to eat, and Emma is able to know her Aunt who she would have possibly never known if this had not happened.  She is great, and it still feels strange to have a sister-in-law at times, but look how much that has changed in only 1 year.

A year ago in May was the last time that one of my brother's actually talked to me.  We have always been close, but when it comes to the issue of homosexuality we disagree.  We have different opinions and instead of him realizing that we are different people he chose to remove himself from my life. I am fine with agreeing to disagree but he chose to say lots of mean things, name calling, and in all honesty be a person that I do not know.  He has never met Emma, called me to check on her, purchased a Christmas present for her, or shown any interest to get to know her.  That is someone who I never expected him to be.  It has hurt me, but I have to focus on the person who matters more - Emma.  As an ongoing issue - my own dad has never shown an interest in Emma either, but she is not the one missing out.  She is loved by those who care about her.

 It has been a year since we had our baby showers, and this time last year we had no idea how much our life was going to change.  Even though you know the baby is going to change your life forever you cannot describe it.  Even now I can't describe how she has changed my life.  I see things through a different set of eyes, hear with a different set of ears, and more than anything love with a new found heart.

As you can see, in the past year we have had good times, bad times, easy times, and difficult times but through all of those times Steve and I were made stronger.  My best friend has been by my side through the roller coaster ride, and I wouldn't want it any other way.  It will be fun to see what the next year will bring for us.

How infertility changes your marriage

One thing that I always tell people when they tell me that they are going to start trying for a baby is to make sure your marriage is in the right place.  A baby will not fix everything, in fact it can cause some problems to be worse.  Imagine having stress between you and your spouse then here come this innocent child.  Say the baby doesn't sleep well, has medical problems, and lets face it is just a baby that needs you.  That isn't going to help an already stressed marriage, and the stressed marriage isn't going to help the baby either.  It doesn't matter if you get pregnant right away or have infertility problems, you still need for your marriage to be in the right place.

For me, I felt that our marriage was exactly where it should have been, and that we were ready for a baby.  We are best friends, spend time together (and enjoy it), and love being with each other.  When infertility set in I became a different person until I figured out how to deal with it.  I realized that I needed to not make infertility the focus of my life.  Pastor Steve said in one sermon that people determine who they are by the labels that they wear, and I did not want to be the sour, angry, infertile woman.  I have often heard that you may only be able to control 10% of what happens to you, but you can control 90% of how you react.  I chose to not let infertility define me.  Am I ashamed of the journey I had with infertility? No, I want people to know my story and know that there is life after being told you are infertile.

I am so blessed to be married to my best friend, and was recently told that I am in the minority because a lot of people do not marry their best friend.  I have to say that your friends will be a great source of support during infertility and parenting, but your spouse is the most important source of strength, love, and support that you need.  As you read in the post about our journey I did protect Steve from negative tests, and certain things; however, he always knew if I was taking medication and what our plan was.  He knew when I went to the Dr, what the Dr. said, what would be next, and we both knew if we would or would not take that step.  We never argued about it, and it became a great communication learning experience.  I feel that we are closer because of infertility - it opened up communication that we probably would have never had if it had not been for infertility.  How many couple talk about foster parenting, adoption, fertility treatments, eggs, sperm, base temperature, and how your body works if they do not face infertility?

I would not wish infertility on anyone, but it can have its upside if you take a step back and look at it.  It can help your marriage grow.  It can help you and your spouse grow closer.  It can help you grow closer to God.  It can make you have conversations you would never have otherwise.  It can change how you see the simple things in life.  And most of all it can change your life forever.  You are the one that chooses if it changes for the better or if you stay stuck in the rut.  I am not saying it is all rainbows and butterflies, but it can have a positive impact on your life.  I have grown as a person, as a daughter, as a sister, as a wife, as a friend, and more than anything else as a Christian.  I have grown so much closer to God through all of this, and maybe that is why I went through it.  God never wastes a trial in your life.  Maybe the trial changes you, maybe it gets you to reach out to help others.

So regardless of where you are at right now either dealing with infertility, parenting after infertility, or not even sure where you fit right now - make sure your marriage is in the right place.  A child will not fix financial problems, marital problems, infidelity problems, drug or alcohol problems, or abuse.  A child is a blessing and should be treated that way.  They do not ask to be brought into your life, and should not be placed below other things in your life.  I have read of couples going through years of infertility treatments, spending thousands of dollars on treatments, only to have a child and realize they hate each other and divorce.  Imagine how great that marriage could have been if it stayed in the right place.  You may wonder why I say "in the right place" and don't give details of that place.  "The right place" is different for every couple, every marriage, and every relationship.  I can't determine what that place is for you, but I hope that your marriage is there.

Why did I finally decide to start this blog?

Ever since becoming a Mommy I have caught myself watching other children and wondering why their behavior, development, etc was different from Emma’s.  Do not get me wrong Emma is right where she should be but I was worried that I wasn’t doing something correct as a parent when I looked at other children.  Emma is almost 11 months old, says several words, very interactive with people, crawling, pulling up, cruising from toy to toy, and is an all around great child.  However, the past few weeks there have been a couple of shocking moments that made me realize a very important lesson. 

The moments are:

-        Eating at a restaurant and when Emma is finished I go to clean the highchair and surrounding floor.  A waitress comes to me and tells me that in the 2 years that she has worked there she has never seen a parent do this.  I thought it was my responsibility, but guess that is out of the norm.

-        Emma will watch people and interact with them.  To the point that if they are not paying attention to her she will make a noise to get them to look at her, so she can talk to them.

-        A friend was sending a balloon home to Emma, yes my daughter plays with balloons.  When another friend asked if she plays with balloons, and when I responded yes her response was “she is going to die”. 

-        At daycare Emma knows what the books are and is excited to have books read to her.  For example last night we read a book while going to eat dinner.  This morning she read the book to herself on the way to daycare.

-        This morning she played with pantyhose while I was getting ready for work.

So what lesson have I learned from all of this?  I can be selfish and look at this as my only chance to be a Mommy and guard her with everything in my control, or see this as the only chance that she has at a childhood and let her experience it to the fullest.  I decided before I ever met her that I would try with all of my might to make her childhood the happiest that I could.  This does not mean that she is a spoiled brat, but instead that she is well loved, well cared for, and given opportunities to enjoy life.  I do not want her to be withdrawn or afraid of being herself.  What better way to do that than let her be her. 

I may do things that people do not agree with as a parent, but that is not my concern.  My concern is my child, her safety, and happiness.  Yes she has fallen off of the bed (we both cried), she has mosquito bites from being outside (who doesn’t this time of year), but she laughs and smiles every day.  Sometimes she gets loud in a restaurant and we may get looks, but guess what I am thankful to God every day that I was blessed with this child.  I read an article the other day where a mom said she never thought she would be thankful for a temper tantrum until she never thought she would have a child. 

So that is the reason for this blog, to share how parenting is seen differently after infertility.  I am thankful for the yells, for the moments that you can’t help but laugh at her, her facial expressions when she is mad at you, watching her play when she thinks no one is looking, and all of the little things that happen each day.

Our Journey

I will start this blog with a history of myself, my journey with infertility, and the inner struggle that I experienced, before I start discussing parenting after Infertility.

Looking back I am not even sure where my journey with infertility began, maybe that is because I was never given a diagnosis that would explain why I was infertile.  In July of 2007, my best friend Steve proposed to me and on October 18, 2008 we were married at Oak Island.  We jokingly said before we got married that I couldn't mention a baby for 6 months.  In April we decided that I would come off of birth control, but we wouldn't start trying until later that year.  I was excited, nervous, and anxious.  You remember being in high school and every time you turned around someone was getting pregnant, so you were afraid that if you ever had sex then you would get pregnant.  Well, I now wanted that to be true.

We started trying in June and during our annual family beach trip my period was late.  How wonderful would this be to find out that we were expecting our child while on vacation in the same house that we were married in?  We didn’t tell our family or friends that we were trying because after all it happens quickly right?  I debated buying a pregnancy test while on vacation but decided to wait until we got home.  We came home, and before I could go purchase a test my period had started.  The pain, hurt, disappointment, questions, and all of the “what ifs” started before I ever saw my negative test result. 

Well this was the first of several bad days, many of which I hid from my husband, my friends, my family, and often tried to hide from myself.  In the months to come I would be disappointed again and again.  Then all of the questions started: what I had done wrong, why I was being punished, how could people in terrible marriages have a baby but I couldn’t, how could people have an abortion and kill a baby that I so desperately wanted, how could someone on drugs have multiple children but I couldn't have one? My mind started going in circles.  Month after month the questions grew, the pain grew, and more than anything else my self-doubt grew.  Month after month I realized that my dream wasn’t coming true.

Of course my doctor didn’t want to jump to any conclusions or do any testing until we had been trying for at least a year.  When I first went to the doctor of course we discussed my cycle which had been regular (almost down to the hour), and possible avenues to take.  We took the normal steps of me monitoring my base temperature – wow was that a fun way to start the mornings.  After a few months of that we realized that while my cycles were regular I was not ovulating.  We decided to do a couple of months of Clomid to jump start ovulation.  I took a month, did the blood work, and no change in levels.  The second cycle – took the medicine, did the blood work, and again no change.  Sadly enough the third month was no different.  Again the Dr could not find a reason that I would not ovulate.

I started questioning what God had in the works for us.  During once Sunday’s service Pastor Steve was talking about adoption and foster parenting.  I thought to myself, God is that what you have planned for us?  And for the first time in I do not know how long I heard God loud and clear “No, just wait”.  Hmm, wait, what had I been doing for the past year and a few months?  Okay, a few minutes later in the service, “God is this what you have in the works for me?”, and again “No, just wait”.  Okay, I am not good at reading between the lines, and trying to understand this was beyond my thought process.  My friend looked at me at the end of the service and asked if I wanted to go sign up for foster parenting or adoption, and again God told me to wait.

For the next few weeks I kept trying to make sense of “No, just wait”.  Wait for what, wait until when, the test outcomes weren’t changing, and neither were my feelings.  I was certain that God had a plan for me, but for the life of me I couldn’t piece it together.  I had made an appointment with a fertility specialist at this point.  I went to the appointment alone because Steve had to work, but that was okay because I was hiding a lot of my fears from him as well.  When I got to the doctor we did blood work then went for the consultation – and guess what they had coded the appointment wrong so nothing was accomplished that day.  I made a follow up appointment, and when the day came for the appointment, for reasons beyond me, I called and cancelled the appointment.  This was such a struggle with me emotional, mentally, and spiritually.  God was telling me to wait, I was being human and being impatient, and yet each time God won and the appointment was cancelled.  Hard headed Chrissy didn’t give up the first time the appointment was cancelled, didn’t give up the second time, and reluctantly gave up the third time. 

Keep in mind that during this time I also had a great friend battling Cancer, and I was quickly realizing that I was losing her.  The day of my last cancelled appointment I left work, and drove straight to her house.  I needed that comfort, that love, that warmth, and those positive encouraging words that only she could give.  While talking to her that day she reassured me and told me that if she could do anything to help me she would.  Okay, so here is a woman who is literally fighting for her life and she is trying to make me feel better?  Really?  I left that day with a different view on the world, my world, my world without a baby. 

In the months to come I tried to forget about my plans, and focus on God’s plan.  Proverbs 3:5-6 became my daily saying to myself.  I needed to stop trying to understand and start trying to trust God to handle it for me.  I didn’t have the answers and may never get the answer, but God knew the plan for me.  I lost my friend to cancer, and tried to gain her sense of Faith as I moved into the future.  One night while driving home Steve and I were talking about babies, and what had been going on.  We had decided early on that we would only do minimal medical procedures, we would not risk everything financially to make this happen, and we would take it one day at a time.  This one particular conversation stood out in my mind because it was exactly what I needed to hear, maybe not what I wanted to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear.  While I had been keeping all of my emotions to myself, trying to stay strong on the outside there were days that I was crumbling on the inside.  Steve looked at me and told me that regardless of what happened we had a good life, yes a baby would add to that life, but even if that never happened we were lucky to have the life that we did.  I have a wonderful step-son and if we didn’t have a child maybe that would be okay.  See there was that doubt again “maybe it would be okay”. 

On our next venture we decided to attend the foster parenting classes.  Steve is not a group person, but he knew how important this was to me.  Well, let’s just say after the first class I was a quitter.  Again God was telling me to wait, and I was trying to rush His time.  Goodness I now realize how hardheaded I was!

I found myself thinking about a baby less, and trusting God to show me what He had planned.  In October we went to the beach for our anniversary, and had a wonderful time.  We had a great relaxing trip, and before we left we decided to take a picture of the two of us.  Little did I know how much that picture would mean in the long run.  So we came back from the trip, and I decided to make one final appointment with the specialist.  On October 30, something told me that things may be different, so without telling anyone I purchased a pregnancy test.  I came home and took the test.  Imagine my surprise when it was POSITIVE!!  I was so excited but afraid at the same time.  I still did not tell anyone (no not even Steve) and went the next day to buy another test.  I went ahead and purchased vitamins, a card for Steve, and the test.  I went back to work and couldn’t wait to take the test.  Again positive, wow this is what God had planned for me!  How lucky am I? What did I do to deserve this?  Wow, really positive… please do not let it change while I am not looking.  So that night I told Steve, but we decided to wait to tell people.  Well, I had to tell a couple of people, oh yeah and cancel that appointment again.

I amazed me how my questions of why from the beginning of this journey were gong through my mind again.  What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why?  I was so blessed during the pregnancy, and enjoyed every second of it.  I gave birth to a happy and healthy baby girl on July 9, 2012 and again those same questions plagued me.  What did I do to deserve this? Why me?  She is such a blessing to our family, our friends, and our home.  She is truly a Daddy’s girl, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.  Now I look at her and I am still amazed that she is mine, this isn’t a dream, and she gets to stay with us. 

You would think that after going through infertility that I would then want to shout to the world about my baby, but that isn’t it at all.  Do not get me wrong she is my world, and I thank God every day (several times a day) that He gave me the gift of being a mommy.  However, it hurts me to see others going through the same journey that I did, and not be able to trust God.  I feel guilty when an infertile asks me about her, I feel guilty that my journey ended with a baby and theirs may not, and more than anything else I feel guilty that they may never experience the most wonderful gift – a baby.  I have told someone that it is like survivor syndrome, you feel guilty that others around you are enduring what may very well be the worst point in their life.  So as I continue on my new journey of being a mommy, I am still plagued by my infertility journey.  However, we all have to rely on God and trust Him even if we don’t like his answer.