Our Journey

I will start this blog with a history of myself, my journey with infertility, and the inner struggle that I experienced, before I start discussing parenting after Infertility.

Looking back I am not even sure where my journey with infertility began, maybe that is because I was never given a diagnosis that would explain why I was infertile.  In July of 2007, my best friend Steve proposed to me and on October 18, 2008 we were married at Oak Island.  We jokingly said before we got married that I couldn't mention a baby for 6 months.  In April we decided that I would come off of birth control, but we wouldn't start trying until later that year.  I was excited, nervous, and anxious.  You remember being in high school and every time you turned around someone was getting pregnant, so you were afraid that if you ever had sex then you would get pregnant.  Well, I now wanted that to be true.

We started trying in June and during our annual family beach trip my period was late.  How wonderful would this be to find out that we were expecting our child while on vacation in the same house that we were married in?  We didn’t tell our family or friends that we were trying because after all it happens quickly right?  I debated buying a pregnancy test while on vacation but decided to wait until we got home.  We came home, and before I could go purchase a test my period had started.  The pain, hurt, disappointment, questions, and all of the “what ifs” started before I ever saw my negative test result. 

Well this was the first of several bad days, many of which I hid from my husband, my friends, my family, and often tried to hide from myself.  In the months to come I would be disappointed again and again.  Then all of the questions started: what I had done wrong, why I was being punished, how could people in terrible marriages have a baby but I couldn’t, how could people have an abortion and kill a baby that I so desperately wanted, how could someone on drugs have multiple children but I couldn't have one? My mind started going in circles.  Month after month the questions grew, the pain grew, and more than anything else my self-doubt grew.  Month after month I realized that my dream wasn’t coming true.

Of course my doctor didn’t want to jump to any conclusions or do any testing until we had been trying for at least a year.  When I first went to the doctor of course we discussed my cycle which had been regular (almost down to the hour), and possible avenues to take.  We took the normal steps of me monitoring my base temperature – wow was that a fun way to start the mornings.  After a few months of that we realized that while my cycles were regular I was not ovulating.  We decided to do a couple of months of Clomid to jump start ovulation.  I took a month, did the blood work, and no change in levels.  The second cycle – took the medicine, did the blood work, and again no change.  Sadly enough the third month was no different.  Again the Dr could not find a reason that I would not ovulate.

I started questioning what God had in the works for us.  During once Sunday’s service Pastor Steve was talking about adoption and foster parenting.  I thought to myself, God is that what you have planned for us?  And for the first time in I do not know how long I heard God loud and clear “No, just wait”.  Hmm, wait, what had I been doing for the past year and a few months?  Okay, a few minutes later in the service, “God is this what you have in the works for me?”, and again “No, just wait”.  Okay, I am not good at reading between the lines, and trying to understand this was beyond my thought process.  My friend looked at me at the end of the service and asked if I wanted to go sign up for foster parenting or adoption, and again God told me to wait.

For the next few weeks I kept trying to make sense of “No, just wait”.  Wait for what, wait until when, the test outcomes weren’t changing, and neither were my feelings.  I was certain that God had a plan for me, but for the life of me I couldn’t piece it together.  I had made an appointment with a fertility specialist at this point.  I went to the appointment alone because Steve had to work, but that was okay because I was hiding a lot of my fears from him as well.  When I got to the doctor we did blood work then went for the consultation – and guess what they had coded the appointment wrong so nothing was accomplished that day.  I made a follow up appointment, and when the day came for the appointment, for reasons beyond me, I called and cancelled the appointment.  This was such a struggle with me emotional, mentally, and spiritually.  God was telling me to wait, I was being human and being impatient, and yet each time God won and the appointment was cancelled.  Hard headed Chrissy didn’t give up the first time the appointment was cancelled, didn’t give up the second time, and reluctantly gave up the third time. 

Keep in mind that during this time I also had a great friend battling Cancer, and I was quickly realizing that I was losing her.  The day of my last cancelled appointment I left work, and drove straight to her house.  I needed that comfort, that love, that warmth, and those positive encouraging words that only she could give.  While talking to her that day she reassured me and told me that if she could do anything to help me she would.  Okay, so here is a woman who is literally fighting for her life and she is trying to make me feel better?  Really?  I left that day with a different view on the world, my world, my world without a baby. 

In the months to come I tried to forget about my plans, and focus on God’s plan.  Proverbs 3:5-6 became my daily saying to myself.  I needed to stop trying to understand and start trying to trust God to handle it for me.  I didn’t have the answers and may never get the answer, but God knew the plan for me.  I lost my friend to cancer, and tried to gain her sense of Faith as I moved into the future.  One night while driving home Steve and I were talking about babies, and what had been going on.  We had decided early on that we would only do minimal medical procedures, we would not risk everything financially to make this happen, and we would take it one day at a time.  This one particular conversation stood out in my mind because it was exactly what I needed to hear, maybe not what I wanted to hear, but what I NEEDED to hear.  While I had been keeping all of my emotions to myself, trying to stay strong on the outside there were days that I was crumbling on the inside.  Steve looked at me and told me that regardless of what happened we had a good life, yes a baby would add to that life, but even if that never happened we were lucky to have the life that we did.  I have a wonderful step-son and if we didn’t have a child maybe that would be okay.  See there was that doubt again “maybe it would be okay”. 

On our next venture we decided to attend the foster parenting classes.  Steve is not a group person, but he knew how important this was to me.  Well, let’s just say after the first class I was a quitter.  Again God was telling me to wait, and I was trying to rush His time.  Goodness I now realize how hardheaded I was!

I found myself thinking about a baby less, and trusting God to show me what He had planned.  In October we went to the beach for our anniversary, and had a wonderful time.  We had a great relaxing trip, and before we left we decided to take a picture of the two of us.  Little did I know how much that picture would mean in the long run.  So we came back from the trip, and I decided to make one final appointment with the specialist.  On October 30, something told me that things may be different, so without telling anyone I purchased a pregnancy test.  I came home and took the test.  Imagine my surprise when it was POSITIVE!!  I was so excited but afraid at the same time.  I still did not tell anyone (no not even Steve) and went the next day to buy another test.  I went ahead and purchased vitamins, a card for Steve, and the test.  I went back to work and couldn’t wait to take the test.  Again positive, wow this is what God had planned for me!  How lucky am I? What did I do to deserve this?  Wow, really positive… please do not let it change while I am not looking.  So that night I told Steve, but we decided to wait to tell people.  Well, I had to tell a couple of people, oh yeah and cancel that appointment again.

I amazed me how my questions of why from the beginning of this journey were gong through my mind again.  What did I do to deserve this? Why me? Why?  I was so blessed during the pregnancy, and enjoyed every second of it.  I gave birth to a happy and healthy baby girl on July 9, 2012 and again those same questions plagued me.  What did I do to deserve this? Why me?  She is such a blessing to our family, our friends, and our home.  She is truly a Daddy’s girl, and I wouldn’t change that for the world.  Now I look at her and I am still amazed that she is mine, this isn’t a dream, and she gets to stay with us. 

You would think that after going through infertility that I would then want to shout to the world about my baby, but that isn’t it at all.  Do not get me wrong she is my world, and I thank God every day (several times a day) that He gave me the gift of being a mommy.  However, it hurts me to see others going through the same journey that I did, and not be able to trust God.  I feel guilty when an infertile asks me about her, I feel guilty that my journey ended with a baby and theirs may not, and more than anything else I feel guilty that they may never experience the most wonderful gift – a baby.  I have told someone that it is like survivor syndrome, you feel guilty that others around you are enduring what may very well be the worst point in their life.  So as I continue on my new journey of being a mommy, I am still plagued by my infertility journey.  However, we all have to rely on God and trust Him even if we don’t like his answer.