Infertility still hurts

Infertility is such a confusing, hurtful, emotional, and mental attack that it changes everything in your life.  You may think this goes away once you have a child, but I find that it doesn't.  I still have lots of beautiful, strong, encouraging women around me dealing with infertility.  We laugh together, cry together, and find our way through this journey together.

When I had Emma I couldn't wait for everyone to see her, and meet her.  However, I have a friend that when she walked through the door at the hospital I had to take a deep breath and fight back tears.  She had been on this journey with me, but I didn't know if Emma would hurt her.  Not the typical hurt, but the emotional hurt.  This friend is the one that I dreaded telling that I was pregnant because I didn't want our friendship to hurt, and I didn't want this announcement to hurt her.  Instead, she kept asking about my next doctors appointment, and when I was going.  I tried to blow it off by saying oh I had to reschedule, but she stayed persistent asking questions.  Finally I said I am not going because I am already pregnant.  Before I could finish "pregnant" she jumped in my lap hugging me.  It had gone so much better than I imagined, so how would this first time of seeing Emma go?  As she walked in I just outreached my hands to hand Emma to her.  Needless to say the visit went well, and we both did good because we didn't cry.  When that same friend would have a bad doctor's appointment she would ask for me to bring Emma by to see her.  Each time I would ask if she was sure because I didn't want Em to bring more pain.  She would reassure me that it would help not hurt.  Now if you have never experienced infertility I will let you in on a little secret.  Infertility impacts your mind to the point that you find yourself hating pregnant women.  Strangers, friends, or family members it doesn't matter it just hurts you so the defense is you don't like them.  I would take Em to visit and for that time frame I just let the friend take care of her, hold her, and feed her.  I wanted the friend to experience the peace and love of a baby even if it wasn't her own.  the friend now calls Emma "puddle" because she says Emma melts her. 

While that visit was the first infertility experience after having Emma, it wasn't the first slap in the face of infertility for me.  After having Emma I was thanking God for giving me this wonderful blessing, and enjoying every minute of her.  I never complained about the pregnancy, the labor, or any of the rough days.  Everything was good until my cycle stared back.  That first one after having Em was BAM in the face reminder of all of the negative tests and infertility.  The reminder of all of the times I thought I was pregnant only to find out I wasn't.  The reminder of the hurt, the pain, the questions, and the miracle in the other room. 

Since I started talking about infertility I have realized how complex infertility is.  Once you get pregnant it is like others with infertility don't want you around because you are now what they hate.  Then other pregnant women don't want to hear about infertility because it doesn't make sense to them.  Now you are lucky if you keep infertile friends, and if you go through parenting with someone else who dealt with infertility.  I am so lucky to have friends in both of these categories.

I have an awesome infertility mom friend who I can share the parenting part with.  I still find myself trying not to talk about Emma to women I know are going through infertility because I don't want to hurt them.  This friend has a miracle little boy who I am so lucky to have in my life as well.  He is such an adorably funny little guy.  He and Emma are also friends so I am glad they will grow up together and have that friendship.

I have a wonderful friend who I am working with to start a group at church regarding infertility.  So many do not know how to talk about infertility, and I feel it is our job to start the conversation.  We are able to talk openly, honestly, and with love about our journeys.  We have found peace and hope in God through this and want others to experience that as well.

I have a friend who as we talked today her cycle has been over 40 days.  She has the fear of her cycle starting, the fear of seeing a negative pregnancy test, and the fear of hurt again.  As we talked I felt the flood of emotions coming back.  I remember those fears, I felt that hurt, and I know how much it hurts.  While others tell her "I know how you feel", but they don't because they got pregnant in a matter of months, not years.  This friend talked about the roller coaster, and that is such a good way to explain it.  Ups, downs, curves, loops, and being flipped upside down.  Only thing is that infertility is not fun.

Infertility is tricky like that.  You catch little details like the length of time they tried to get pregnant, the number of treatments, the number of medications, and the amount of "work" they put into their infertility.  However, that shouldn't be the focus.  The focus should be on encouraging each other and uplifting each other.  I have formed so many wonderful relationships through this journey.  I hope I am able to encourage others through my journey, and show them that there is hope. 

I still have fears from infertility and grieve because of infertility.  What if I was so selfish to have a child that she has my smile, my tiny little toe, but also my infertility?  What if I cause her to have the same pain from infertility?  I grieve for women who may never hold their babies this side of heaven.  I grieve for the women who have to say goodbye to their baby before they ever say hello.  I also grieve for the friends who do not know what to say for they do not understand that sometimes no words are the best ones.  I am an open book about infertility so if you have questions feel free to ask.  You can email me at chrissydgriffin@gmail.com and I am more than happy to talk to you. 

Funny Emma-isms

There are times that Emma will say something and it cracks us up because it catches us off guard.  Here are a few that stand out in my mind

- Last week she didn't have daycare due to the snow.  We talked about the snow, the roads being slippery, and why she couldn't go to school.  The next day I told her it was time to go to school and for 15 minutes she told me that she couldn't go to school because there was snow and the roads were slippery.  We get in the truck and start out of the driveway, she said "oh mommy your truck will go in the snow" then as we start down the road "mommy I told you your truck can go in snow"

- She has asked that Pastor Steve sing, then the next day she wants him to dance.  We are now up to him singing and dancing and yes she has told him that.

- We often look at the moon and say "I see the moon, the moon sees me, God loves the moon and God loves me".  Now she will say "and God loves everybody" or pick someone in particular that God loves.

- She will tell you that a policeman helps people and directs traffic, a fire truck helps people, and an ambulance helps people when they are sick and go to town to eat.

- She has a stuffed Hello Kitty, well for Valentine's Day she got a huge frog  Kitty got scared by frog because frog is so big.  Therefore, Em sat in the floor holding Kitty telling her that frog was a friend.

- She will say that she likes everyone in my family unless you ask her about Tommy.  If you ask about Tommy she says "I don't like Tommy" but we have no idea why.

- I wore camo pants the other day and he asked why I had cows on my pants. 

- She can tell you where to turn to get from her school to the red store (Sheetz) so she can get a brown bag (plain M&Ms) and yellow bag (peanut M&Ms).

These are just a few of her comments that blow us away.  As you can tell there is never a dull moment with Em around.

Where did my baby go?

The past few days I have seen more and more of my baby disappear, and more of a little girl appearing.  Emma will carry on a conversation with you, come up with some of the craziest things, and her facial expressions are adorable.  Last night she started writing on her chalk board then yelled "I write O"  we looked around and she had written an O.  She continued to write more o's and jump with laughter after each one.  As I sat there squealing with her in joy, I realized another part of my baby was leaving.

Where does the time go?  I remember finding out I was pregnant like it was yesterday, only it wasn't.  I have told several people that the 2 1/2 years before having Emma seemed like forever, but the 2 1/2 years since having Emma has flown by.  How can time feel different when it is the same time span?  Do you remember being little and going on vacation, it took forever to get there but coming back you seemed to get home faster.  Maybe it is the excitement, the anticipation, or maybe just a mind trick.

I think this makes it even more important that we take in the moment.  The moments will pass so quickly leaving us wonder where the days and years went.  We need to take a moment and soak in the world around us.  During the recent snow days I have just held Em, I have watched her sleep, watched her play, and just looked at her.  She is changing and growing up so fast, but I want to remember these days.  The days that she wants me to hold her, wants me to cuddle her, and is our little girl. 

All too soon she will be wanting to hang out with her friends, will not want me to cuddle her or hold her, and will be forming her independence.  Maybe if I am lucky she will still want to have Mommy and Emma dates, and let me cuddle her.  Even if she does tolerate my cuddles, there will still come a day that she is no longer living at home.  I huge part of my heart will be on her own.  that is hard to even think about, but I have to realize that the day will come. 

So take in the moment, cuddle them a little longer, hug them a little tighter, and let them know how much they are loved.  Even though they will be on their own one day, we need to ensure them of the love for them.  The world will tell them that they are not good enough, not pretty enough, not smart enough, and not enough.  However, we have to ensure that they do know that they are enough!  Be sure to tell them all of the good things because the world will be very quick to tell them all of the bad things.  I am not suggesting that we boost their ego, or put them on a pedestal.  However, I am saying that we tell them how wonderful they are.  Remember they are a gift from God, and we should treat them like the precious gift that they are.

 

Sentences to paragraphs

So Em has been talking in sentences for a while now, but this weekend it turned into paragraphs!  Where has the time gone?  It feels like only yesterday we heard her say mama for the first time.  Now my little girl is carrying on conversations, and talking like crazy.  She is quickly becoming a little girl and not my baby anymore.  If you ask her why she is getting bigger she will tell you "I growing up."

Really how do you slow the time down?  The two and a half years it took to get a positive pregnancy test seemed like forever.  The two and half years since she was born has flown by!  It seems like overnight my baby turned into a toddler.  She went from relying on my to being even more independent.  We went shopping yesterday and she held the item and waited her turn in line.  Handed the cashier the money, and carried her bag until we got back to the truck (after going to another store).  She is so smart I do not know how Steve and I got so lucky.  She will ask what something is, and turn around and tell someone else what that item is for.  She will tell you about planes in the sky, road signs, songs from church, and what tower is for what.

As I type this she is stretched out in the floor watching videos on Steve's phone.  She doesn't like to watch tv, but will watch kids play on the slide or with playdoh on our phones.  She loves music and dancing.  She will sing along in the truck, and sing as she is playing.  She loves to sing her ABCs, Jesus Loves Me, twinkle twinkle little star, 5 little monkeys, and lots of other kids songs.

Where did my baby go?  I look at her and already realize how much I will miss her being little.

"Mommy, Mommy, Mommy"

I love hearing Em say "Mommy", but here lately she has cracked me up with it.  She will say "Mommy, Mommy, Mommy" when I respond "what Emma?" she just smiles "Mommy I love you".  Of course this makes my heart smile, as I respond "Emma I love you too".  She is always telling us that she loves us, and giving us hugs and kisses.  My family is not affectionate, and often will not talk about emotions so I am trying extra hard to show Em that affection and emotions are good things.

I often tell her that I love her more than she will ever know.  How can you tell a 2 year old how she has completely changed your life, how she makes your hardest days better, and how her smile lights up your world?  I know that as she gets older I can tell her more, but I still do not think she will completely understand until she has a child of her own.  I have been around children all of my life, but never imagined how much my life would be changed.

Em loves to look for planes in the sky, and count them.  Before her I never thought about how many planes are in the sky.  She loves to look at the stars at night, so we often linger in the driveway at night as she exclaims "oohh, look at all the stars, they are so pretty".  She has honestly changed everything about my life. On my worst days her smile and giggle take all of the stress away.  She truly makes me realize what is really important in life - living it!  I am not going to lie, I do get caught up with trying to get this or that done, tell her to wait a minute while I finish something around the house.  However, there have been times that I will let something wait because she wants to play blocks.  I try to give her undivided attention because I realize that one day I will be the one begging for her attention.  Too quickly the time will pass, and I do not want to miss this time in her life.

I often wonder what she is learning personality wise.  The other night she was playing with her baby, and told me the baby was crying.  I told her to cuddle the baby so it would feel better.  As she held it she patted its back, rubbed it, and asked it what was wrong.  In a few second she said the baby was better.  She put the baby in the bed and covered her up, as she sang to her and rubbed her back.  Moments like that show me that I am doing a good job.  She didn't yell at the baby to stop crying, she didn't just leave it, instead she picked it up loved on it and made sure it was okay.

Look back at 2014

Goodness 2014 was busy!  Emma loved the snow in the winter, and we ended up bringing snow inside to play with so she wouldn't get so cold.  Then we headed into Easter and warmer weather.  Emma loves to be outside playing.  She would play on her play set, ride her four wheeler, play with sidewalk chalk, ride in her wagon, and run around.  As summer came she was helping us in our garden, and playing in water.  She loved playing in the pool and went under water a couple of times.  For her birthday we had her party at church, and the theme was Minnie Mouse.  Everyone had fun playing on the play set, and asked if they could have a birthday party there too.  Then came our beach trip which is always fun.  We went back to Oak Island, and this year we stayed for an entire week.  We had so much fun and created so many priceless memories.  In October she switched over to a big bed (full size), and we switched the other bedroom into a play room.  In October we also lost my Dad, and in December I lost my job.  However, we have so many things to be thankful for, and so many memories from 2014 that over all it was an amazing year!   Emma knows all of her colors, shapes, ABCs, can count to 10 (sometimes 20), talks in full sentences, and is such a smart giggly girl.  I can't imagine life without her.

I have added a few pictures from 2014 below to share some of our memories.

Parenting Style

So today I was having lunch with a friend and we starting talking about parenting styles.  I will be the first to admit that I do things that shock other parents.  We often laugh because people comment on how relaxed I am with Em that they wonder how I would be with a second child.  Truth being told I do not think I would be any different.

These are the Top 5 the things that people seem most shocked by.

1 - The day that Emma came home from the hospital we took a nap and then went out to dinner and walmart.

2 - I let her play with balloons when she was under a year old.

3 - I didn't move things off of the coffee table, or out of her reach.  We used it as teaching moments of what she did or didn't need to mess with.

4 - Things new parents often want that we didn't - pack n play, swing, bassinet, and walker.  She would play in the floor, use the swing at daycare, slept in her bed as soon as she came home, and besides the fact of the walker being bad for her muscles she would walk while pushing her toys.

5 - She was in a toddler bed when she turned one, and a regular bed when she was two (no side rails either).

Did you do any of those?  I am not saying that my way of parenting is perfect, but it is perfect for us.

What have you been surprised by regarding your way of parenting?  Have you done something that really shocked others? What would be your top 5?