It won't be like this for long

Many of you know the song that line comes from, but oh how true it is.  Before you know it the days, months, and years have flown by. You plan for the birthdays, the holidays, and Christmas then befre you know it those special days have passed. The seasons change and the years fly by. I never realized how quick time goes until Emma. I want to get the most of everyday with her, and too often there isn't enough time in the day. Here lately I have tried to do more. More cuddling, more holding, more playing, more talking, more listening, and more activities. When she gets older will I feel like it was enough?  More importantly when she gets older will she feel it was enough?  

So I actually started this post a few days ago, okay maybe a week or more ago.  Then I got busy with work and being a mommy. Today I ran across this link on Facebook. When I watched it I realized that it is the perfect ending to my post. Please take a moment and watch it. I was in tears because the moms on there have some if the same fears and concerns as Ido. But wait until you hear from their children. 

http://www.upworthy.com/these-kids-finally-say-what-they-really-think-about-mom-and-her-reaction-priceless-9

Wow time is flying by.

Sorry I haven't posted lately but Emma is a wide open Toddler now and keeping us busy. Some of the latest happenings include:

Potty training!  Yes you read that right - potty training. Emma decided about a month ago that she wanted to start potty training. She sat on the big potty three times that first day. The next day we went and bought her a potty. She actually used the potty two times that day!  Ever since that day she uses pretty regularly.  Some say it is too early, it won't last, she isn't old enough, or that she does not really know when she needs to potty. Well she pats her diaper, we go to the potty, and she potties. Maybe she won't completely get it right now but if she is willing to try then so are we. 

Talking!  She is saying more words and can associate more words with the meaning. She knows her eyes, ears, nose, hair, chin, tongue, cheek, belly, elbow, knee, foot, hands, toes, fingers, and heart. She can point people out in pictures and call some people by their names. She knows some of her colors and some days everything is yellow while other days everything is purple. It is so fun to see her learning!

Songs! She does the itsy bitsy spider and loves to dance and clap to music. She started marching around the house and her teacher said they do the ants go marching to and from lunch. She picks up on so much!

Playing. She loves to climb, crawl, jump, swing, and play. We recently got a swing set for her and she loves to climb up the ladder. She loves to look at her books, point out things when you ask her, and will talk while looking at the book like she is reading it to you. 

It is all going by so fast and I know it will not be long before I miss these days. She is such a smart, happy, healthy, and wonderful child. We are so lucky to have been given this precious gift. 

With Christmas coming up I am so excited to see how she reacts. I know she will have a blast and that is the real happiness at Christmas. We have already given her some of her presents and can't wait to see what Santa brings her. Before much longer Betty Lou her elf will return and I am sure that will bring lots if fun as well. 

Some pictures of all of this fun!

Her new fish tank and fish

Her new swing set 

Emma watching Daddy and Uncle Ray Ray shoot

Swinging 

Start of the Relay year.

So we have had our Relay For Life kick-off for 2014 and the busy year has started.  You may be asking what this has to do with Emma. The short answer - everything!  I don't want Emma to ever hear the word cancer except for her history book. I want her to see ribbon as hair bows not an indication of the type of cancer. I want her to have her family and friends watch her grow up, get married, and have children.  Not for her to watch them have surgery, chemo treatments, radiation treatments, and pray every time a test comes up.  I want her to be healthy and happy and not have to struggle with the fear of "the C word".

While we are preparing for our Relay I miss some evenings with Em at the house, but I had so much rather her miss this time and never deal with cancer than me sitting at home with her and her having the experiences with cancer that I have.  No I have never been diagnosed with cancer but I have 2 grandmothers that had breast cancer, a cousin who lost her battle with brain cancer, and a best friend who lost her battle with colon cancer.  None of those were easy to get through and I want to protect Emma from those heartbreaks.  The beginning of October was hard because in one week I missed two evenings with Emma.  Typically I try to take Emma with me to one of the two meetings but these two were longer ones that I knew she would not be happy with.  So next month she will go with me and she will grow up a Relay girl.

As you may know I had a relay team in the past, but in the past couple of years I have not had one.  Well that changed this year as well.  I started a team called Memory Makers to honor all of the memory makers in my life, and to continue their fight if they are no longer here with us.  Feel free to join my team, make a donation, purchase a luminaria in memory or honor of someone.  http://main.acsevents.org/site/TR/RelayForLife/RFLCY14SA?team_id=1509817&pg=team&fr_id=61091

See you at RELAY!!

"An uncle makes life a little sweeter." Anonymous

Growing up I had several uncles, but 2 mean the world to me.  My Uncle Mike lived in front of us, and I spent a lot of time there playing with my cousins Susan and Melanie.    I remember being on the farm with Mike, ridging the tractors, playing in the yard, and playing at his house.  My Uncle Tommy was the quiet reserved one.  He didn't always say a lot to me, but I was often at his house playing with my cousin Courtney.  Both of these men mean a lot to me, and still do to this day.  My Uncle Mike lost his daughter Melanie to brain cancer the year before Emma was born.  I know it was hard for him to meet Emma, but it was like Emma knew as well.  He would hold her, and Emma would just look at him and watch him.  I have always heard that kids know so much more than we think they do, and I truly believe that.  Emma knew that he needed that connection.

Emma has two Uncles, one which she has known since she was born and one she had not met.  Well let me tell you how this past week went for her.  We rode with Uncle Ray Ray to Virginia.  Emma loved riding in his truck, but wasn't sure why it sounded so loud.  She would watch him, and fret him, smile at him and then not look at him.  Anyone who knows Ray knows he is not an affectionate guy, but there are rare times that the sweet guy shows himself.  While I was holding Emma, Ray leaned over and kissed her on the forehead - keep in mind he had several witnesses.  So what does he do?  Once he realized that people were watching him he shocked Emma and everyone else.  He leaned down and licked Emma on the forehead - yes I said licked!  Emma was shocked and didn't know what to think of it.  Afterwards we went to eat, and as much as Emma loves hush-puppies, she would not eat one from Ray.  Ray handed it to Steve and Emma tried to give it back to Ray.  I am telling you this kid cracks us up.

Emma had never met her Uncle Tony, but that changed yesterday.  We met Tony at the park and played.  She went right to him, and had a blast on the playground.  She would throw her ball to him, and they even ended up getting the ball in the pond.  Now if you know Tony this will not surprise you.  He sent me to try to get the ball out of the pond.  Thankfully the ball was saved!  Tony and Emma played on the slides, was climbing, and even played in the swings.  We left from there and headed to get dinner.  Of course Emma was happy because she had mac and cheese and applesauce.  Needless to say applesauce ended up everywhere.  The hard part about this is that Tony will be moving to Florida this week.  However, they have a bond and it will only grow with time.  I will be switching phones so they will also be able to Facetime while he is out of town.

I am so thankful that Emma has two wonderful Uncles that will show her the fun things about life.  From riding the four-wheeler to Facetime any time spent with an uncle is priceless!

Things that will never be the same again...

When you are pregnant are thinking about having a child you often hear "___ will never be the same again".  the blank can be filled in with your body, your weight, your life, your house, and your heart.  Most people do not tell you that the following things will never be the same either.  However, I have found that the following things I will never see, hear, or view the same anymore either.

1. The news - We all know that the majority of the news is bad stuff.  Sadly enough I can't always escape the news because my job deals with crime.  Watching them interview a child who just saw their friend shot in school outrages me.  Why would you ask this poor child to tell them about it, when we all know it is playing over and over in her head.  Maybe talking about it is good for her - but to a professional not a reporter.  The cries of a parent who just lost their child in a crime, the cries of the child who just lost their parent, and the heartbreak felt throughout the community.  The story of the child shot in the stroller, the parents who are upset that after insemination is upset that they are expecting twins, the parent who left their child in the car, the child who was abducted, and the list goes on and on.  My way of dealing with this - not watching the news.  Of course at work I can't escape it, but I can make sure that I do at home.

2. Music - GOODNESS.  Songs have always spoken to me, but now it is even worse.  Some songs that stick out in my mind "My Wish", "In my Daughter's Eyes", and lots of others.  They make me think of the feelings before Emma, the feelings now, and the thoughts of her in the future.  I believe that music can say things that in regular conversation you do not catch.  I love music, and the words often catch my attention.
A little of the lyrics from those two songs:

My Wish - Rascal Flatts
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

In My Daughter's Eyes - Martina McBride
And the world is at peace,
This miracle god gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger,
How it puts a smile in my heart,
Everything becomes a little clearer,
I realize what life is all about,
It's hanging on when your heart is had enough,
It's giving more when you feel like giving up,
I've seen the light,
It's in my daughter's eyes

This song really spoke to me during our journey with infertility.  Laura Story "Blessings"
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

3. Movies - It seems like you feel more of the emotions, and think more of yourself in that situation.  The child watching the violence, the parents trying to protect their child, etc.  Not to mention not wanting Emma to watch the violence.  It seems that every adult movie is either stupid or full of bad language and violence.  I find more joy and laughter in most children's movies than I do adult movies.  However, the other night Emma and I laid on the couch and watched Safe Haven (okay she only watched part of it).  This is an awesome movie.  We have been to the movie set three times, I had read the book, and so happy that I finally watched the movie.

4. Clothing - This goes a couple of directions.  First of all girl clothing (even young girl clothing) is way too revealing.  I realize that Emma will only wear those items if I purchase them, and I do not see them in our future.  Second, I saw a onsie in Wal-Mart that said does this diaper make my butt look big? Really! on an infant?  Maybe it is funny to some, but so is name calling, bullying, and lots of other things.  Third, I do not go out shopping for me new clothes because it is so much more fun to find clothes for Emma.  I had rather her get the new shoes, clothes, etc rather than me buying myself another outfit.

5. Life in general.  Life is too short and I realize that now more than ever.  In the blink of an eye I have gone from infertility, pregnant, birth, to now a toddler.  Wow, life has NEVER moved so quickly before. Treasure each moment and every day - you do not get the chance to live that day over again.  We do not live in the movie Groundhog Day, so this is your only shot - what will you do with it?

After infertility and after having a child there are a lot of things that will never be the same again.  However, I would not change them for the world!  Every day is a new adventure, and the best one is the one happening today!

Lessons learned

A few of the lessons learned along our infertility and parenting journey. Some of these were very hard to learn, and some just seemed to make sense.

1. Trust God - He knows what He is doing. This was probably one of the hardest to learn. I kept wanting to question Him and had to learn to trust. Yes it took a while but I knew He had a plan for us. I just didn't know what that plan was until He was ready for me to know.
Proverbs 3:5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart do not lean on your own understanding.

2. Life goes on. Wait before you stop reading this and give me a minute to explain. Yes infertility is terrible, but the world is still going on. Your bills will still come in the mail, others will still get pregnant, you will have contant reminders of the pain you are feeling, and not everyone will understand what you feel.  I found that I was still excited for some who got pregnant, was able to carry on conversations that didn't revolve around infertility, and for the majorty of the day be happy. I still had my bad moments, but I couldn't allow that to control my life. Infertility is difficult, but do you want it to define who you are?  I chose not to. Eventhough it changed my life I decided not to let it be my life and what I was known as. Am I saying that your pain isn't real - by no means.  Am I saying that a child doesn't matter that much - absolutely not.  What I am saying is that even on the hardest of days with infertility life goes on.

3. Realize that not everyone with infertility handles it the same. Some want all of the tests possible, some want all the medications possible, some want all of the procedures possible, some do not want any part of that, some share what they are going through and some do not, some see other options as the plan for them and some want no part of it.  And even two people who make the same choices and take the same steps will not be the same. Respect the differeces, realize it is their life, and get over it if you do not agree. We chose not to do all of the testing, but I do not think that is a road for everyone. Which ever road is best for you - take it. For us it was trusting God and waiting for Him to show us the road to take.

4. Let them live. You fought so hard for this life so do not hold them back. Of course every child needs guidance, restrictions, limitations, and know right from wrong. However, I see a lot of parents who fight so hard to have a child and then keep them from being a child. They will get bug bites, skinned knees, scratches, and who knows what else. However they are also learning, experiencing life, and learning who they are. Do I mean to let them run free,m no but do let them experience being a child. I realize that this may be my only chance to be a parent, but I know this is Emma's only chance to be a child. I pray that she looks back at her childhood and smiles. She is shown happiness, joy, love, and life.

5. Take a deep breath. They will cry, they will scream, and believe me they will test limits. During those hard times take a deep breath!  They are not trying to be difficult, but look at everything that is new to them. They come into this world with no idea of anything, and we think we get the hard part because we don't get an instruction book?  Just think if they had an instruction book they couldn't even read it!  Take a breath, plan a day with friends, walk away, or whatever can calm your nerves.

6. Do not compare your child or your parenting to others. As long as you are keeping your child healthy and safe then you are doing your job. If you compare yourself or your child to others then you will always second guess yourself. I have seen other parents and wondered if I should push Emma to do more, but now I see that she is right where she should be. She is head strong, interested in everything, wants to explore, and I love every minute of it (okay almost every minute).  I know that even in those rough parenting moments I would not change a thing!

7. Enjoy it! It is the biggest, scariest, and fastest ride of your life, but it is the best ride ever.  Take time every day to enjoy your child. Paint, play, sing, dance, and enjoy the little moments in the day. You will look back and smile at even the most stressful moments.

These may help you along the way, if not just do right by God and your child and everything will be fine.

Saying Goodbye

So all of you know how much we love Emma's daycare and her Teacher Ms Stephanie.  Tomorrow is Ms Stephanie's last day at the center. This is an amazing teacher and person. I couldn't have imagined leaving Emma with a stranger, and Stephanie never felt like a stranger to us. She always treated Emma like she would her own child. She called if she had a concern, and if Emma was out sick (or running late) she would call to check on her.  Emma would do several handprint or footprint artwork a month, and Stephanie made special artwork for special occasions.

We were so blessed with Stephanie and wish her well.  We will miss her, but happy that she will be able to spend this time with her family.

We will miss you Stephanie!