"An uncle makes life a little sweeter." Anonymous

Growing up I had several uncles, but 2 mean the world to me.  My Uncle Mike lived in front of us, and I spent a lot of time there playing with my cousins Susan and Melanie.    I remember being on the farm with Mike, ridging the tractors, playing in the yard, and playing at his house.  My Uncle Tommy was the quiet reserved one.  He didn't always say a lot to me, but I was often at his house playing with my cousin Courtney.  Both of these men mean a lot to me, and still do to this day.  My Uncle Mike lost his daughter Melanie to brain cancer the year before Emma was born.  I know it was hard for him to meet Emma, but it was like Emma knew as well.  He would hold her, and Emma would just look at him and watch him.  I have always heard that kids know so much more than we think they do, and I truly believe that.  Emma knew that he needed that connection.

Emma has two Uncles, one which she has known since she was born and one she had not met.  Well let me tell you how this past week went for her.  We rode with Uncle Ray Ray to Virginia.  Emma loved riding in his truck, but wasn't sure why it sounded so loud.  She would watch him, and fret him, smile at him and then not look at him.  Anyone who knows Ray knows he is not an affectionate guy, but there are rare times that the sweet guy shows himself.  While I was holding Emma, Ray leaned over and kissed her on the forehead - keep in mind he had several witnesses.  So what does he do?  Once he realized that people were watching him he shocked Emma and everyone else.  He leaned down and licked Emma on the forehead - yes I said licked!  Emma was shocked and didn't know what to think of it.  Afterwards we went to eat, and as much as Emma loves hush-puppies, she would not eat one from Ray.  Ray handed it to Steve and Emma tried to give it back to Ray.  I am telling you this kid cracks us up.

Emma had never met her Uncle Tony, but that changed yesterday.  We met Tony at the park and played.  She went right to him, and had a blast on the playground.  She would throw her ball to him, and they even ended up getting the ball in the pond.  Now if you know Tony this will not surprise you.  He sent me to try to get the ball out of the pond.  Thankfully the ball was saved!  Tony and Emma played on the slides, was climbing, and even played in the swings.  We left from there and headed to get dinner.  Of course Emma was happy because she had mac and cheese and applesauce.  Needless to say applesauce ended up everywhere.  The hard part about this is that Tony will be moving to Florida this week.  However, they have a bond and it will only grow with time.  I will be switching phones so they will also be able to Facetime while he is out of town.

I am so thankful that Emma has two wonderful Uncles that will show her the fun things about life.  From riding the four-wheeler to Facetime any time spent with an uncle is priceless!

Things that will never be the same again...

When you are pregnant are thinking about having a child you often hear "___ will never be the same again".  the blank can be filled in with your body, your weight, your life, your house, and your heart.  Most people do not tell you that the following things will never be the same either.  However, I have found that the following things I will never see, hear, or view the same anymore either.

1. The news - We all know that the majority of the news is bad stuff.  Sadly enough I can't always escape the news because my job deals with crime.  Watching them interview a child who just saw their friend shot in school outrages me.  Why would you ask this poor child to tell them about it, when we all know it is playing over and over in her head.  Maybe talking about it is good for her - but to a professional not a reporter.  The cries of a parent who just lost their child in a crime, the cries of the child who just lost their parent, and the heartbreak felt throughout the community.  The story of the child shot in the stroller, the parents who are upset that after insemination is upset that they are expecting twins, the parent who left their child in the car, the child who was abducted, and the list goes on and on.  My way of dealing with this - not watching the news.  Of course at work I can't escape it, but I can make sure that I do at home.

2. Music - GOODNESS.  Songs have always spoken to me, but now it is even worse.  Some songs that stick out in my mind "My Wish", "In my Daughter's Eyes", and lots of others.  They make me think of the feelings before Emma, the feelings now, and the thoughts of her in the future.  I believe that music can say things that in regular conversation you do not catch.  I love music, and the words often catch my attention.
A little of the lyrics from those two songs:

My Wish - Rascal Flatts
But more than anything, yeah, and more than anything,
My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

My wish, for you, is that this life becomes all that you want it to,
Your dreams stay big, and your worries stay small,
You never need to carry more than you can hold,
And while you're out there getting where you're getting to,
I hope you know somebody loves you, and wants the same things too,
Yeah, this, is my wish.

In My Daughter's Eyes - Martina McBride
And the world is at peace,
This miracle god gave to me,
Gives me strength when I am weak,
I find reason to believe,
In my daughter's eyes

And when she wraps her hand around my finger,
How it puts a smile in my heart,
Everything becomes a little clearer,
I realize what life is all about,
It's hanging on when your heart is had enough,
It's giving more when you feel like giving up,
I've seen the light,
It's in my daughter's eyes

This song really spoke to me during our journey with infertility.  Laura Story "Blessings"
We pray for wisdom, Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your word is not enough
And all the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

3. Movies - It seems like you feel more of the emotions, and think more of yourself in that situation.  The child watching the violence, the parents trying to protect their child, etc.  Not to mention not wanting Emma to watch the violence.  It seems that every adult movie is either stupid or full of bad language and violence.  I find more joy and laughter in most children's movies than I do adult movies.  However, the other night Emma and I laid on the couch and watched Safe Haven (okay she only watched part of it).  This is an awesome movie.  We have been to the movie set three times, I had read the book, and so happy that I finally watched the movie.

4. Clothing - This goes a couple of directions.  First of all girl clothing (even young girl clothing) is way too revealing.  I realize that Emma will only wear those items if I purchase them, and I do not see them in our future.  Second, I saw a onsie in Wal-Mart that said does this diaper make my butt look big? Really! on an infant?  Maybe it is funny to some, but so is name calling, bullying, and lots of other things.  Third, I do not go out shopping for me new clothes because it is so much more fun to find clothes for Emma.  I had rather her get the new shoes, clothes, etc rather than me buying myself another outfit.

5. Life in general.  Life is too short and I realize that now more than ever.  In the blink of an eye I have gone from infertility, pregnant, birth, to now a toddler.  Wow, life has NEVER moved so quickly before. Treasure each moment and every day - you do not get the chance to live that day over again.  We do not live in the movie Groundhog Day, so this is your only shot - what will you do with it?

After infertility and after having a child there are a lot of things that will never be the same again.  However, I would not change them for the world!  Every day is a new adventure, and the best one is the one happening today!

Lessons learned

A few of the lessons learned along our infertility and parenting journey. Some of these were very hard to learn, and some just seemed to make sense.

1. Trust God - He knows what He is doing. This was probably one of the hardest to learn. I kept wanting to question Him and had to learn to trust. Yes it took a while but I knew He had a plan for us. I just didn't know what that plan was until He was ready for me to know.
Proverbs 3:5. Trust in the Lord with all your heart do not lean on your own understanding.

2. Life goes on. Wait before you stop reading this and give me a minute to explain. Yes infertility is terrible, but the world is still going on. Your bills will still come in the mail, others will still get pregnant, you will have contant reminders of the pain you are feeling, and not everyone will understand what you feel.  I found that I was still excited for some who got pregnant, was able to carry on conversations that didn't revolve around infertility, and for the majorty of the day be happy. I still had my bad moments, but I couldn't allow that to control my life. Infertility is difficult, but do you want it to define who you are?  I chose not to. Eventhough it changed my life I decided not to let it be my life and what I was known as. Am I saying that your pain isn't real - by no means.  Am I saying that a child doesn't matter that much - absolutely not.  What I am saying is that even on the hardest of days with infertility life goes on.

3. Realize that not everyone with infertility handles it the same. Some want all of the tests possible, some want all the medications possible, some want all of the procedures possible, some do not want any part of that, some share what they are going through and some do not, some see other options as the plan for them and some want no part of it.  And even two people who make the same choices and take the same steps will not be the same. Respect the differeces, realize it is their life, and get over it if you do not agree. We chose not to do all of the testing, but I do not think that is a road for everyone. Which ever road is best for you - take it. For us it was trusting God and waiting for Him to show us the road to take.

4. Let them live. You fought so hard for this life so do not hold them back. Of course every child needs guidance, restrictions, limitations, and know right from wrong. However, I see a lot of parents who fight so hard to have a child and then keep them from being a child. They will get bug bites, skinned knees, scratches, and who knows what else. However they are also learning, experiencing life, and learning who they are. Do I mean to let them run free,m no but do let them experience being a child. I realize that this may be my only chance to be a parent, but I know this is Emma's only chance to be a child. I pray that she looks back at her childhood and smiles. She is shown happiness, joy, love, and life.

5. Take a deep breath. They will cry, they will scream, and believe me they will test limits. During those hard times take a deep breath!  They are not trying to be difficult, but look at everything that is new to them. They come into this world with no idea of anything, and we think we get the hard part because we don't get an instruction book?  Just think if they had an instruction book they couldn't even read it!  Take a breath, plan a day with friends, walk away, or whatever can calm your nerves.

6. Do not compare your child or your parenting to others. As long as you are keeping your child healthy and safe then you are doing your job. If you compare yourself or your child to others then you will always second guess yourself. I have seen other parents and wondered if I should push Emma to do more, but now I see that she is right where she should be. She is head strong, interested in everything, wants to explore, and I love every minute of it (okay almost every minute).  I know that even in those rough parenting moments I would not change a thing!

7. Enjoy it! It is the biggest, scariest, and fastest ride of your life, but it is the best ride ever.  Take time every day to enjoy your child. Paint, play, sing, dance, and enjoy the little moments in the day. You will look back and smile at even the most stressful moments.

These may help you along the way, if not just do right by God and your child and everything will be fine.

Saying Goodbye

So all of you know how much we love Emma's daycare and her Teacher Ms Stephanie.  Tomorrow is Ms Stephanie's last day at the center. This is an amazing teacher and person. I couldn't have imagined leaving Emma with a stranger, and Stephanie never felt like a stranger to us. She always treated Emma like she would her own child. She called if she had a concern, and if Emma was out sick (or running late) she would call to check on her.  Emma would do several handprint or footprint artwork a month, and Stephanie made special artwork for special occasions.

We were so blessed with Stephanie and wish her well.  We will miss her, but happy that she will be able to spend this time with her family.

We will miss you Stephanie!

Every day is a chance to create a memory

Looking back over the past year, I realize that while Emma may not remember what all she did I will forever treasure moments from her childhood.  I look at every day as a chance to make a memory.  The past couple of weeks we have had her Birthday pictures, family pictures, a cookout, had Emma's first birthday party, and just had a good time.

Also over the past couple of days we have dealt with Emma not feeling well.  She was sent home from daycare last Thursday, and had to stay out on Friday.    I had taken today off of work, and needless to say it became a Mommy and Emma day.  We played, cuddled, had a lunch date, and most of the day enjoyed spending time together.  I savor these moments because I know they will not last forever.

The other day I came home from a rough day at work and just hugged her extra tight.  That night as I laid down with her for bedtime she rolled over and put her face right up against mine.  I laid there crying telling her how much I love her.  She is often told how much she is loved, but it was as if she knew that I needed her close to me that day.

I believe that we all wake up with the choice of how we want our day to go.  No we cannot control all of the variables during the day, but we can choose how we respond.  When I walk in and she lights up my day with that smile and giggle all of my worries fade away.  She is my sunshine, my laughter after a bad day, my smile through the tears, and my heart.

I love watching Emma interact with others because I see how she changes them as well.  Of course our family and friends cherish her almost as much as we do, but watching their interactions is awesome.  At her birthday party she went around and gave everyone a thank you hug.  However, words cannot thank these people enough.  They have been there for me and Steve and now they are there for Emma.  Several people offered to help me get everything ready, and one awesome friend Amy came to help.  She had made decorations, helped with the planning, and helped me to keep my head on straight.  Wendy had to run a last minute errand to pick up pictures for me, Granny (my mom) made part of the food for us, and lots of family and friends came to make Emma's day special.

I can only begin to imagine what the future will hold for this special little girl with all of the love surrounding her.  As much as I see her impacting other people's lives, I know she is a blessing not only to me and Steve but to everyone.  The other night we went to eat at Wendy's and she sat at the window so she could wave at everyone who came through the drive-thru.  Maybe her smiling the face was the only smile that those people saw that day?

Thank you to everyone who has touched Emma's life because you have touched ours more than we can ever explain to you!

The tough decision to share this on Facebook

So several of you have asked why I have not shared this on facebook.  The answer - I don't know.  Maybe it is that I do not want to feel like I am asking for pity, maybe it is the fear of sharing something so personal, maybe I don't want to hurt other women who are dealing with infertility, maybe I just do not know.  I think it is a combination of all of the above.  I am not ashamed of my story, I am not afraid to share my story, but I am hesitant on sharing this on facebook.

However, I have decided that I will share it and see what happens.  Please do not look at this blog and think I am trying to hurt you if you are gong through infertility.  Instead I hope that you see this as hope for the future.  Our stories may be different but I have been where you are, and having the feelings that you have (or have had).  There are several of us who have been where you are, and we want to encourage you along your journey.  Stories are different, Dr visits are different, diagnosis are different; however, the hurt, pain, suffering, tears, and fears are the same.  Believe me I have been there, but I also knew that God had a plan for me.  Maybe it wasn't the plan that I had, but I had to trust Him and see what happened.  Steve and I did talk about, look into, and explore other options.  But in the end we received this wonderful gift from God.

So here it goes, I am shoring this on facebook and hope that you can gain something from my experience.  Feel free to ask me questions, or share your story on here as well.

So welcome to my world of Parenting After Infertility.  We live everyday Treasuring Our Blessing, and hope that you can find joy where ever you are in your journey.

Our Little Lady turns ONE!

It is so hard to believe that Emma is a year old.  In the past year she has changed our lives so much, and made our hearts grow.  It seems like only yesterday that we found out that I was pregnant, and it seems unreal for her to be a year old.  Where did my baby go?

We had a great party for her, and she had a blast!  Our friends and family joined us to celebrate this wonderful blessing that God gave us.  We had planned to party to be at my Grandparent's house, but with it raining every day and hot too we decided to move it to my Uncle's carport.  The theme was Our Little Lady turns One, and decorations were ladybugs.

Here are some pictures to show you the party in case you were not able to join us.